Same Sex Monogamy

Posted on May 19, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

Since the subject of gay marriage is top of the list right now, it feels right to tackle the subject of monogamy, commitment and expectations. Most gay men I know support gay marriage from the position of equality rather than their own desire to be legally bound, but the dream of ‘settling down’ still resonates through every gay meeting place and dating site.

Our heterosexual friends have proved that monogamy is not for everyone, many have informed us that marriage is not what it’s made out to be in this form of committed capture, and the idea that love conquers everything, is now obsolete. Take two examples I have come across; the sex addict who thinks a relationship will stop his ‘acting out”, in the same way that a wife is often seen as ‘taming’ her newly acquired husband from his seed sowing activities, and the codependant who ‘needs’ a relationship in order to feel complete and wanted, whilst avoiding the fear of abandonment.

In my Relationship Coach Training the phrase that stood out like a fey gay at school is that ‘ Love brings up everything unlike itself for the purpose of healing’. This means that everything you buried like abandonment, low esteem, guilt, control and fear of rejection, simmers likes a slow cooker beneath the ritual of coupling, so a committed relationship gives you the chance to see what defects of character hold court. Many who have taken the route of commitment take an ‘open relationship route’ once an emotional baseline is held which, in my practice experience, is not always the answer to sexual needs and emotional functioning.

A relationship that lasts, needs honesty from the beginning, when initial boundaries are created, so future changes can progress with equal honesty, so going straight into an ‘open relationship’ from the beginning is ill-advised as one partner often agrees in order to capture the boyfriend, people pleasing their way into emotional suppression. The idea sounds great, but without honest boundaries at any point, a car crash looms. A frequently reviewed and discussed ‘open relationship’ is one that is more likely to reap rewards and is one that has had a period of monogamy to act as foundation.

Michael Shelton author of ‘BOY CRAZY’ – Why Monogamy Is So Hard for Gay Men and What You Can Do About It, writes ‘ Though there are many variations in the ground rules for sexual activity in relationships, they are still variations of just a few core themes. A couple may opt for mutual celibacy, to remain monogamous for the duration of the relationship, choose some form of open relationship, or have occasional or even frequent covert sexual activity outside the parameters of their established relationship. None of these decisions is written in stone, and they can and often do damage, particularly in an environment that places so much importance on sexual satisfaction ‘.

The sex addict thinks that aquirring a monogamous relationship will kill the natural urge to shop around, it doesn’t, nor does it reduce the desire for approval addiction. The solution to this conundrum is loving yourself more, warts and all, so you lovingly approve of yourself without the need for others to give you a 5* review. This is how I healed my own sex addictions, compulsions, codependencies and negating habits. It may work for you too.

Self awareness, recovery and liking more of yourself is also the path to those addicted to relationships, the serial relationship seekers who don’t take breath in between one ending and finding another so quickly. We know who they are, their Facebook status’s that bounce ‘in a relationship’ every few months, give us the opportunity to raise eyebrows in their speed and dedication to not being alone. Many self-help books on gay relationships often discourage open relationships, whilst encouraging commitment to monogamy, yet in my experience of viewing client relationships over 2 decades, the best commitment you can make in a relationship is to be honest ‘at all times’.

Honesty and clear communication is the best wedding present to give yourselves. Some spiritually based readers like myself, don’t believe in the concept of ownership, romantic fantasy or capture. Interdependent relationships, with a ring on it or not, recognise that change is inevitable over time, that everything is temporary, including feelings, and that guilt shame and fear holds no purpose except to hold you to ransom, kidnapped by the fear of abandonment.

I found BOY CRAZY to be a trusted tome on relationship education, without judgement of choices, one way or another and suggest you give it a try. Think of all the study books you have read to acquire a career, yet how few you have read to acquire peace of mind and relationship satisfaction. In London it’s available from GAY’S THE WORD bookshop http://www.qype.co.uk/place/1686329-Gays-the-Word-Bookshop-London or the usual online book sites worldwide.

Lazy Dating

Posted on May 13, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

Don’t be afraid to show your true colours. The ultimate in lazy dating starts with what I call ‘profile paralysis’, the art of having nothing to say, but it just can’t be closet voyeurs that have nothing on their profile but ‘Hi’ and ‘just ask’. Sadly this epidemic of shyness, affecting all age groups, is now as ubiquitous as a kitten pic update on social media. Way before the internet, gays found dating heaven in the classifieds of magazines and gay papers, but if you were looking for speciality sex, olympic sex or even someone to settle down with, the ads all read the same rhythm : tediously boring. TIME OUT London’s listing weekly magazine was one of the first to list ‘men for men’ classified ads in the 1970’s, but had to add ‘over 21’ in the header to comply with the law relating to Age of Consent. This sparked a continuous trend until the mid nineties when LOOT a ‘find anything you want to buy or sell’ newspaper had specific sections for sexual activity, including introducing us to the word ‘bi-curious’, and at the same time gay writer Mark Simpson coined the phrase of the decade : ‘metrosexual’. Now you would think that all these tribal divisions of sexual play amongst gay men would create imaginative, stimulating prose. Far from it.

The straight ads for opposite sex hook-ups were by comparison witty, informative and amusing. The gay section in the same media read like a shopping list of desires ending with no fats, no fems. So much for the myth that gays can gentrify any area by moving in. Maybe this stems from man-to-man anonymous sex founded on sexual attraction first, ask questions later, while straight dating at least has the formality of asking a name before they unzip. Mind you I can understand that if you happen to be partaking in rough sex, a name or even a voice is off-putting.

I could never understand how you could screw up a presentation of yourself in 30 classified words, but some years later I led a seminar on Dating for Gay Men, and discovered that given the opportunity to write a biography of themselves in 70 words most just sat there chewing a pencil or gurning gum until inspiration interrupted the endless void. Most never made even 30 words to describe themselves. Try it.

What I did discover was that in ‘profile paralysis’ they used words or phrases that other’s used, no innovation, and on discussion it appeared that this was part of a sense of belonging and avoiding rejection by remaining minimal, so most writings consisted of what they thought people wanted rather than who they really were, and who they really were, was not good enough. The reality is that people are looking for uniqueness, good or bad. Quentin Crisp once said that defects of character were a bonus, stating that when friends said ‘ the trouble with you is . . ‘ remained the most interesting aspect of their personality. The situation we find ourselves in now is easier smartphone hook-ups where there is just about every fetish available online, including fats and fems so denigrated in previous decades, who have come into their own. Big boys, Ladyboys and experimenting straight boys who need direction and attention, all hold a place of dating opportunity.

So get busy and check out your own GuySpy profile and market yourself with gusto. Has it got tired? Has no one asked? Maybe it’s less than 30 words? Try adding a few quirks, queer hobbies or even a few defects, after all these things make up a well rounded character. Lazy words creates lazy dating & profile paralysis creates stuck energy, so ruffle through a dictionary and make readers think, instead of stare then click over, amuse them with flair and constantly review your pics, especially the old iPhone self shots in the bathroom. It’s over, they are everywhere, and that one when you looked HOT 4 years ago with a tan and now you look like a boiled hot dog in too tight pants, is not the best way to demand ‘no bullshitters or dishonest types’. Look in the mirror.

Do the pics match what you see?

Oh . . . and your real age would be a good beginning too. If dating turns into a relationship, trust is already soured, so remember – truth and individuality wins out!

Queer Happiness

Posted on April 25, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

” You don’t know the meaning of true happiness until you hear 30,000 Gay Men recognise the opening bars of Dancing Queen “, so wrote a str8 journalist for the London Evening Standard, reporting on the Opening Ceremony of the GAY GAMES in Amsterdam in 1998. You can imagine the rush, the sense of belonging, the HAPPINESS in those brief riff seconds of connection. Clubland, Disco and secret nightclubs have always been our haven. The chance to be ourselves, to be authentic, to be free, to be queerly relaxing with our own kind. Dancing Queen by Abba certainly captured the essence of underground popper sexuality, way before ‘hands in the air’ circuit party chems, became the norm.

Some of us recall the re-emergence of the word ‘Queer’ in mid-AIDS politics in the early 90’s, the snatching back of a mid-twentieth century term of attack. Now post-millennium the word QUEER has a changed yet again into a term embracing all sexualities and genders, indicating alternative, creative and avant grade. I was called ‘a queer’ at school, or an ‘OMO’ so I was queer before ‘gay’ became commonplace and ironically both words mean ‘happy’. One of the things I hear time and time again from gay men is ” I don’t fit in”. They answer to that is ‘you don’t need to, in order to be happy’.

In the UK, the hot TV programme mid-nineties was ‘Queer as Folk’ a radical, tell it like it is, drama series. In Northern England, they still say ” there’s nowt as queer as folk”, as they did the previous century, because the word queer meant ‘odd, unconventional or eccentric’. At the same time as this trailblazing show, I was knee deep in a new book by Dr David Weeks and Jamie James, the first scientific study of eccentric behaviour called ECCENTRICS. The conclusion of this study was that odd ‘queer’ people were the happiest people on earth because they didn’t care what people thought. No shame, no fitting in and certainly no people-pleasing. We have a lot to learn from them. At the last chapter I switched from seeing my queer sensibility as an asset, not a cross to bear as an outcast. I was particularly taken with Ann Atkin from Devon England who not only had 7,500 gnomes in her garden, but dressed as one on a daily basis. She was as happy as Larry, supermarket shopping with red cheeks and a pointy hat. Good for her! Dr Weeks concluded that eccentrics were nonconforming, creative, idealistic, aware from early childhood that they were different, intelligent, and in possession of a mischievous sense of humour. Well as I ticked all the boxes, I went from queer to eccentric and back to queer, I saw it as the same in the end. Living queer without performance breeds happiness.

Armed with bravery and my new eccentric weapon of freedom I could be whoever I wanted to be. From that point to now I recognised my eccentricity as vital, my different-ness, and my somewhat rebellious lack of desire to fit in as an asset. Masculine fashions change anyway. The streets of East London particularly, are paved with the ‘new queers’, inked skinny bitches who refuse the mantle of porn masculinity preferring instead the odd, the punk and the scruff. Funny how these guys will be cloned into the norm sooner or later before the next batch of queer look appears. Happiness, and the experience of it, is relative, and as diverse as our LGBTQ community. It is no companion to shame or apology, for accepting who are, results in a happier disposition. Coming out as queer, eccentric, gay, bi or whatever word you use, also means being as brave as Ann Atkin in her pointy hat, in cultures, communities,and churches. It’s a brave but essential road to walk, but remember those liberating queers that walked before you, respectful head held high, learn from that. Gay marriage is not for all, or even being in a relationship for that matter, but real happiness, queer or not is being content with what you HAVE got, rather than what you haven’t. Truth, authenticity and loving yourself exactly as you are, is a great boyfriend to be happy with. Do you walk this road?

__________________________________________________________________________

Checking out queer films I came across this blog of listed queer films, if queer history interests you. At the time of Abba, men cruised the streets, not on-line, and when the concept of AIDS was sci-fi we used instinct, not profiles. I was particularly impressed with his opening quote ” I’m bored and depressed with today’s gay image of marriage, adopted babies and content bourgeoise living. Blandly masculine, domestic and inoffensive is the new gay stereotype and I can’t relate anymore. This list is a tribute to tough queer thugs with switchblades, bisexual hustlers, sissy villains, killer drag queens and true outcasts, films that got me through my years as a sexually confused teen. I’ve also included some (occasionally offensive) homo horror for the hell of it “.

http://mubi.com/lists/faggots-switchblades

this blog first appeared on my regular RELATIONSHIP GUYD column on http://guyspy.com

Creating Bounderies

Posted on March 25, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

Compulsive behaviour is not only about sex, chems and the internet, it’s also about losing yourself obsessively in another person, a relationship or the workplace. Codependency, the core of all destructive behaviors, has many differing explanations – here’s one by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse of Nurturing Networks in Ohio USA, she wrote this in 1988 and it still stands today. “Co-dependency is a dis-ease. It is a specific condition characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence on another person ( emotionally, socially and sometimes physically ), or on a substance ( such as alcohol, drugs, nicotine and sugar ), or on a behavior ( such as workaholicism, gambling, compulsive sexual acting out). This dependence, nurtured over a long period of time, becomes a pathological condition that effects the co-dependent IN ALL OTHER RELATIONSHIPS. “

I put the last bit in caps because extreme dependency on anything, will effect up to 20 people in your life, like a ripple in a pond. Often seen as a caring persons malady, in the early 80’s the Codependent was described by treatment centres as the partner, friend, employer or family member who ” cared too much ” spending time and energy trying to change the addict, gambler, sex addict, alcoholic, etc’s behaviour. By rescuing ” too much ” they enabled the user to continue the acting out and lost themselves in the process so when the addict etc recovered and got well, the people who tried to help were not always as pleased. Instead they often became resentful, like a mother seeing her kids leave home, losing her identity. Many gay men experience this in relationships, constantly rescuing, parenting and babysitting someone who is not ready to listen, grow up or refuse to see the damage to body, purse and mind. Codependents often pick up the pieces, silently, in order not to rock the boat.

The propensity to act out codependently is within all of us, so don’t think it’s just about people in dysfunctional relationships. Everyone acts out fear, control and modes of survival, so you don’t have to have a drunk partner to rescue to escape this emotional distress. It’s a complex subject but I believe that if each person concentrated on giving themselves as much love, concern and focus to themselves as they do to others, the world would spin on its high energy axis. Suddenly people would learn to parent themselves as well as assisting others to do the same. This is the balanced way of living. A solution to codependency or the addiction of attachment is the understanding of boundaries and what I call speed-bumping. No not up the nose, you understand, but a slowing down of compulsive behaviour. Here is an example. You’re waiting for your flight and you find the retail area – within 10 mins you have bought 6 items to pass the time and fell good about this temporary fix. Others sit with a laptop or smartphone and download in exactly the same manner, when there is no reason to. It’a a habit. We have not been trained to sit with ourselves and do nothing, so we become dependent ( co-dependent ) on something outside of ourselves to make us feel complete. Some make themselves over-responsible for those around them, while others become human ambulances whenever they are needed. You know who they are.

Learning to slow down, examine and say NO more often are the golden rules in establishing boundaries. If you are a people pleaser this will be difficult, however it is essential in maintaining healthier relationships with lovers, friends, dates, family and co-workers. Esteem is raised when you learn to say No without malice, when you learn to respond gently rather than react, and the result breeds healthy separations. Consider where you could put bounderies up and ask yourself what ‘normal living’ is for you. Learn to speedbump each day, be conscious of each action you make, slow down and refind yourself. Spend at least 2 night in alone, if you can, even in a present relationship and allow it to breathe. DO NOT spend every night with your BF in the first 3 months and for gods sake STOP TEXTING 30 times a day to each other. Ask yourself why you do that? Is it insecurity, control or is just automatic with no purpose. If you do have a partner who is heavily addicted seek help for yourself not him. Experience has proved that once you stop playing the game by doing the opposite to what you normally do, games change.

This blog appeared last week on http:// guyspy.com where I am RELATIONSHIP GUYD.

Changing Habits

Posted on March 18, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

As we enter ‘Mad March’ you may want to check out how well you did in changing habits for the New Year. Is it Hallalulah! or best not think about it? Likely to be the latter then.

Making ‘changes’ needs preparation and prepping takes time. The lust for instant gratification can rule our roost in search for sex, companionship and a sense of belonging, so it’s easy to dump a plan, like a spoilt child, just because you can’t see progress straight away. Through illness mainly, I have been forced to change habits and half the time I protested. By the time I was 40 I had given up alcohol, recreational drugs and nicotine for 5 years, the truth of the matter being that alcohol particularly, had given up on me, not me giving it up, and I had been on a veggie diet for 5 years to sustain a screwed up chronic active hepatitis B liver that was getting worse through auto infection. Then doctors told me caffeine was next. The last straw indeed. So I protested, like a spoilt child, gave it a go but then discovered and proved that a double macchiato, did no more damage to a cirrhosed liver and made me happier than living without. Soon the vegan, veggie bit went, the crazy diets went but abstention from demon drink and chems have stayed till this day of writing.

In my experience ‘projection’ will kill your spirit. The story, growth and lesson is in the journey, not the destination, and the relationship you have with your mindset has greater value than someone swinging off your arm. Once you learn to check-in with yourself and delete more quickly what you don’t need, you are likely to find healthier relationships appear more easily. So if you change anything, start with changing from ‘wants’ to ‘needs’. You may want another boyfriend but do you need one right now? Maybe working a bit on yourself, your attitude and your projections will suffice for now until you are really clear. How about dating, sexually exploring and NOT seeking a relationship until you decide you are emotionally intelligent enough to sustain one. Projected romance is another killer. If meeting someone on-line and projecting wedding bells within 2 weeks always gets you into trouble then best if you recognise it doesn’t work anymore. Trying to make something work, rather than allowing time to do it’s work, is a great habit to change. This codependent concept of ‘time running out’ only creates bad choices, self punishment and fear of abandonment so wise up, play the field but remain playful. A spoilt child always demands, while a happier child remains in the moment, engrossed in the process of waiting not wanting.

So if you realise that those New Year Resolutions you made so avidly in January are now used as a thrashing tool, don’t give up, you can always rescue a plan. In fact it’s easier than rescuing a man, that always leads to trouble. Maybe that IS one of your habits : to find the waif, the stray, the vulnerable to ‘help’, to parent, to babysit. The real habit here is the desire to be in charge, in control, in power and will often bite you back. This element of codependency is common in same sex relationships and the solution is learning to flip emotionally, from power top to power bottom. Many men will choose a boyfriend who can’t ‘give back’ emotionally then complain that their ‘needs’ aren’t being met. Maybe the change here is that he doesn’t have the skills because you have enabled him not to employ them. Ongoing intimacy occurs when you can afford to be as vulnerable as your partner, or your friends without feeling you are no longer in charge.

Writing a list of habits you want to change, even one’s you think you have failed on, is the first step to getting back on track.

*This blog of mine first appeared at guyspy.com where I am RELATIONSHIP GUYD.

Changing Bonds

Posted on March 11, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

When asked to play the challenging role of James Bond, Daniel Craig said; “It’s not like I was trying to be sexy, but I had to get fit so I was able to do stunts. Also I wanted that, if Bond took his clothes off, he looked like a man who did what he did. I thought the only way to do that was to get fit and buff and physically into shape.” So Craig made changes to the character becoming the first hetero ‘Muscle Mary’ Bond, good in a tux but more thrilling than Ursula Andress rising from the surf.

Watching people transforming lives on film or TV makes better drama than transforming our own, which is why the ‘idea’ of transformation is so infectious. We discover that voyeurism is much easier than taking part, and taking part takes effort, but before transformation takes place we need to observe our own ideas about ‘CHANGE.’ You will be surprised how many people fear the concept. Best to stay put and feel safe and familiar. If your partner, roommate or friend is constantly abusive, a heavy drinker or chem-messy, something unfamiliar like change maybe even scarier. At least with abuse you have survived it, but change? – not sure I can handle that, some may say. When change of circumstance is forced upon us, it’s easy to become defensive of change, as if we have no control, so feelings of helplessness occur. The secret to administer change in your life, is changing the way you think or perceive situations to be.Your relationship with fear is the key to transformation, and Craig’s no nonsense pragmatic approach, toward successful stunt work, provides a body map for success. When I think of all the major changes in my life I have had to endure, in order to learn peace of mind and the release of fear, I see that my vision is constantly moving, swaying and deciding. That’s the benefit of maturity. So I now welcome change and constantly transform myself with ease. It just takes practice.

So the TV genre of interior decoration, selling houses, and transforming reality TV shows are just a taster of what change can bring, but when you do the detail, you will notice one thing: they are not doing it by themselves, they seek help along the way, just as I did. What would be more interesting and productive would be to have TV lifestyle programmes showing us how to lead healthier lives ‘inside us’ rather than the attachments we accrue ‘outside us’ for contentment. It’s true that we need expert guidance and support to tackle new pastures and for the continued maintenance of change, but in the end it’s wise to do it for ourselves, not for someone else or to save a relationship. Making yourself more attractive to you is the true power of attraction.

In Psychologies Magazine, the Brit comedian David Baddiel talked about being in therapy and how it had attributed to his success and why in Europe people readily sneer at soul searching while no one sneers at hiring a Personal Trainer to reshape the body. This may go someway to you realising that what you see is not what you get when it comes to dating, but remember one thing: you don’t have to be a Muscle Mary or James Bond to ‘work-out from the inside.’ Holding a decent conversation when you don’t think you look your best, can mean holding onto your man, more than the quest for perfection or the taint of lust. Facing fear, like Daniel Craig doing Bond stunt work, means you learn to trust more – that’s the REAL transformation, and where the hard workout begins.

Best if you start writing that FEAR LIST now and JUMP!

This blog first appeared in my regular column at http://www.guyspy.com where I am the RELATIONSHIP GUYD.

Fantasy kidnap

Posted on March 1, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

Over the past few months two TV programmes : one American, about hollywood royalty Alfred Hitchcock, and Britain’s own regalia ‘Downton Abbey’, featured aspects of unrequited love, manipulation and control. ‘The Girl’ an HBO Film , focusses on the director Hitchcock’s obsession with Tippi Hedren, his leading lady in ‘The Birds’. In ‘Downton’ gay viewers have witnessed for several series now, the suppressed emotionally controlled homosexual footman Thomas Barrow clumsily attempt to pursue silent affection from afar. Hitchcock in real life terrorised and stalked Hedren ending both their careers, and Barrow, a made up character in a drama series, both excel in the desire to be loved, but chose the wrong person.

Checking up on wiki, ‘unrequited love’ is defined as ‘ love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such, the beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer’s deep and strong romantic affections’. Many gay men have experienced such a conundrum in the search for a relationship or discovering sexuality awareness. Before the internet, face to face cruising was the norm so younger readers may not be aware that before smartphone apps we really did have to go by our intuition as to whether someone was gay or not, especially in the workplace. Lusting a straight co-worker is one thing but forming an imaginary obsession is quite another. This is fantasy kidnap. Set in the 1920′s ‘Downton’s’ Thomas, watches, waits and pounces when he thinks his chance is ripe, but alas get’s knocked back with public shame and humiliation when he strikes.

At least on guyspy you can see what you are getting ( and often more than a torso shot ) but as eye contact is usually made first on a sexual level, rather than an emotional one, the risk of public shame is limited. This level of sexual flirting, sexting and playfulness is harmless and in many ways educational, but where harms starts to penetrate is where the flirts results in obsession, as in the case of Hitchcock. Although married to his long suffering wife, Alfred became obsessed with Tippi Hedren, the ’emotionally and sexually unavailable’ prey. He used his power, his lust and obsession to control, manipulate and psychologically damage her, so she never worked again. It was also the end of his career. Many relationships, including same-sex, indulge in these pastimes believing obsession to be love, when in fact it’s taking someone hostage. Emotional kidnap is a form of codependency : the need to be needed, the lust to be desired.

In 1970 in his book Sex and Human loving, Eric Berne wrote ‘ Some say that one-sided love is better than none, but like half a loaf of bread, it is likely to grow hard and mouldy sooner’. Cruising on the web can be obsessive, we all know that, in search of intimacy, friendship or instant sex, but searching for a partner on the web can also be grounds for disappointment and personal rejection when you unconsciously seek out the ‘unavailable’ just to prove no one wants you. Many men feel ‘passed over, ignored and overlooked’ in dating matters, consequently they feel only worthy of a slice of bread instead of the whole loaf. This creates the low esteem notion that they have no choices, they hotly pursue anything in sight in order to play the numbers game, or wait to be chosen in silence. All or nothing. Hitchcock used power, influence and obsession to trap Hedren. Thomas watched, waited and pounced. Neither got what they wanted.

So in order to achieve what you desire it pays to check out how you operate on the web. Do you send ‘Hi’ messages and get nothing back? Maybe a a sentence will help. Do you chat with escorts to get a freebie or is it a way of convincing yourself of being ‘not good enough’? Do you wait to be chosen on guyspy or use your power, status, or big pecs, to acquire someone who needs to be rescued? Spend the next week checking out how you operate online. Write down all the things that form a pattern, good or not so good, where you get kick backs, and where you get the best results. This will form a template for future success and stop you from choosing the wrong guy to date with, who eventually, via emotional kidnap, could be the next relationship you are trying to escape from.

This blog first appeared in my regular column at http://www.guyspy.com where I am RELATIONSHIP GUYD.

Relationship Karma

Posted on February 22, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

Sometimes people I don’t know, ask me whether I am in a relationship. When I say ‘No” they look at me with bambi eyes, more with pity than with pride, and then I say ‘ but I have all kinds of relationships in my life, why should I just focus on ‘the one?.’ When you have passed the point of performing to gain a relationship, then experienced quite a few along the way, life tells you that relationships aren’t always cracked up to the press release, that relationships need constant maintenance like a well planned garden. Often effort is put into the coupling during the first year, then interest wanes, weeds appear, and fences fall down. Or perhaps you’re just not cut out to have one, as many have discovered. This romantic notion, one size fits all, that there is ‘someone out there for you’, is as abusive as being told we should all be straight.

So welcome to my first guyspy blog on this dodgy subject of intimacy, projection and fear. I say that because ‘love brings up everything unlike itself for the purpose of healing’. This phrase still hovers in my head though I first heard it in the late 80’s during my Relationship Coaching Training. Initially I had no idea what it meant, then it dawned on me, as I examined past relationships, that my dysfunctional relationships embraced jealousy, rage, abandonment, codependency and fear, much more than love. So thus I walked the path of discovery, and maybe you will walk with me as the weeks go by, as I open up insights into why some relationships bathe in longevity while other constitute a shorter period. One of the most powerful relationships I had lasted 10 days. He was much, much younger than me, as was my passion then. A skinny wildly creative twink who thought he wanted to be a girl at 14, a cross-dressing bisexual boy at 19, and ‘not sure if he was gay’ at 20. Horse hung, hairy, confused and a student at St Martins School of Art, a model for The Face magazine, and a hairdresser with one of London’s top salons. He was everything I thought I wanted to be. This brought up ‘everything unlike itself for the purpose of healing’. On the 10th day he got out of bed in the early hours and said ‘I can’t do this anymore, I’ve put my mum through too much stuff already, to be gay as well is too much’. So I just kissed him and said ‘I know’. It was not about being ‘in love’, because I wasn’t in love with him, but I loved him enough to let him go, to find his own path. No drama and no manipulation from me was the lesson, and the first time I had consciously applied it. His vulnerability brought up my own coming out, from straight to bisexual to gay at 20 years old and his creativity reminded me that I missed my own place at Art School because we moved away from the area and I still felt resentful. His conundrum mirrored my past and I needed to detox the aftermath.

15 years later I sat with a new client and as he unravelled his relationship distress, I realised his partner was ‘Mr 10 days’. A wind of of shiver blew through me and I mentioned his name. The client was startled. Then he said “Did you ever live in Clapham ?’. Yes, I said. He continued, ‘he talks about you often, the first man that treated him as a man, a man who needed to take responsibility for himself, thank you’. We decided at that point to ethically end our sessions with warm embrace and move on. When he left I felt tearful, not with loss but the joy that he had found himself and that I played a small part in it.

When you go online this week, seeking sex or a relationship search, remind yourself that any journey is more important than the relationship destination. That sexual experimentation, friendship, respect and influence is likely to hold a deeper memory with someone than the lost relationship, the ‘one’ that got away, the so called failure. In future posts I will examine and maybe influence your views on relationships, the ones with money, body image, with intimacy, chemicals, compulsive patterns and soul confusion. Whether you are in an open or closed relationship, single or ‘it’s complicated’, let’s not dismiss all the other relationships around you that need attention and energy.

That garden still needs care and attention.

This blog first appeared in my regular column at http://www.guyspy.com where I am RELATIONSHIP GUYD.

RELATIONSHIP GUYD @ guyspy.com

Posted on February 18, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

I have been asked by guyspy.com to write a regular piece on RELATIONSHIPS. Here is the interview with me and DANNY HILTON to start the whole thing off . . .

David Parker has been writing about, talking to and helping gays empower themselves since the 1980s. We’re super-excited to have him join us as our Relationship Guyd, covering everything from relationships with your boyfriend, Mum, Bank Manager and mobile phone. And a hell of a lot more. Hold on to your seat – this Guyd knows his stuff and says it how it is. I got the lo-down…

DH: Where do you come from and what do you do?

DP: Well, after over 20 years of doing what I do I’m still not sure what it is, as it moves and changes with people’s needs. I loathe the term Life Coaching, but in 1988 I began a 3 year training as a Loving Relationship Training Coach specialising in loving yourself, as well as loving others, when ‘empowerment’ was the key word, especially in the time of AIDS before combos. At one point I was called a Lifestylist, someone who shapes your life in the way a fashion stylist shapes the outer image, and this is still an aim. More work is often needed on the inside, rather than finding the right profile pic. In millennium 2000, Time Out, London’s listings mag called me ‘Clubland’s Therapist’, as my clientele included DJs, Club owners, music producers, dealers, and escorts as well as hardened clubbers, but twelve years on, I attract a wider market range, but the issues remain the same: relationships with people, family, work, money, drugs, viruses, body image, sex and emotional health. I still live in London UK, the gayest, queerest city in the world with over 500 LGBT meeting places, so distractions and casualties are aplenty, though I travel 4 months of the year leading Relationship Seminars around the world, specialising in codependency release and breeding functional relationships.

DH: What’s your approach?

DP: Unconventional. Someone once said I was the ‘Gordon Ramsey of the Coaching World’, as I didn’t do sympathy, excuses or pussy foot around. What they really meant is that with over 2 decades experience of assisting LGBT people to change lifestyles, deal with virus living and loving, or deconstruct unhealthy relationships, tough love needs to come into play sometimes, especially if addictions abound. I became a Loving Relationship Coach well before the fashion for coaching but still focus on the impact of birth trauma: how it affects all your relationships, challenging negativity and releasing suppressed emotions with Breathwork. Not many coaches come from this arena and my approach is based on my own experiences, not from a manual, like recovering from active addictions and overcoming long term illness. I don’t advertise anywhere, people find me through other people or read my blogs. Like Elaine Stritch singing Sondheim, I’ve been through, recovery, self-help stage, new age, middle age and new activist rage but “I’m still here.”

DH: What do you think are the biggest issues that gay men are faced with today?

DP: The same that gay men have always faced – ‘fear of aging, emotional editing, people pleasing and a desire to be loved,’ though these traits reflect all humanity not just gay men, except the gay script has got faster with new technologies and increased opportunity for hedonism. It is the best time, historically, to be gay, for most of us, especially via the web but anyone in IT will tell you ‘computers solve one problem and create another’ so it pays to constantly review your behaviours and all your relationships including the ones you have with food, chems, alcohol and your bank manager. Peer pressure and image is greater today than 20 years ago, yet the feeling that ‘it’s over by 30′ is thankfully in decline.

DH: How have things changed in 10 years?

DP: The HIV virus & BB still dominates the agenda, but drug use, including alcohol, in Europe has multiplied to excess. It’s the first thing American visitors say when they enter euro clubland or early morning net dating, yet this is not the whole picture. The young hipsters are not drug free, and no need to be, but much more interested in smaller individual meeting places, indie clubs, creative mixed bars, and social interest groups than hardened circuit party boys. Our world is now so diverse via the net, just like gay relationships, a full spectrum of graded tones of same sex attraction. Twenty five years ago AIDS took the Daddies away and now Daddy tops in their 50′s are as lusted over as skinny twinks. Men who have sex with men who defy labels have blurred the edges of what ‘gay dating is’ and this has allowed all men to explore the net to full advantage, so I would say that the greatest change in 10 years is the release of shames around fetish and sexual activity.

DH: Who are our greatest role models in 2013?

DP: Oh that’s easy – yourself. Be your own fabulous role model this year. This supercedes the LGBT sportspeople, rappers, politicos and celebrities that are deemed to inspire us. Inspiration comes from within, should you take time out to dig deep BUT you need to prepare and get some action in. People you meet can be the best role model, they may be online or just round the corner, but learn to avoid projection, just give up a destination and let things occur naturally. Letting go of ‘needing to know’ is a wise role model.

Look out for David’s posts, coming soon! You can find out more from his websites, and you can follow him on twitter. Details below:

http://mygaytherapist.me
twitter: @mygaytherapist
http://www.theswarmite.com
twitter: @theswarmite

Texting, Sexting, Nexthing?

Posted on January 6, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

I just don’t get it. Mobile Phones that is – and I’m struggling with Twitter. People who know me well know I don’t text, can’t text, won’t text. That sums up all this high tech malarkey for me. I can use my MacBook and Facebook with ease, create graphic blog sites like this one but the mobile just bores me to death. According to predictions for the next decade everything will be on MOBILE, including a microwave oven, so best if I accept now that my life is over. How, you may ask, can I live without apps for every thing I didn’t need to know, 400 free texts a month and 200 FREE minutes. Easy. They only want your money and new habits to squander. It’s all a scam to eventually fleece you. Stay focussed.

Ask any fashion forecaster how it’s done. Funny how pink is in one year and mustard the next, all the shops must be psychic, as they all piggy back each other. It’s a bold designer that says bog off – its mauve. It’s all a scam to make you feel on the outside.

Corporate collusion is to blame for they know that when people suffer from the disease of never enough & needing to belong to something or someone ( co-dependency ) they will always want more until they get bored and demand a different hit. But blaming corporate collusion is also a cheap way out, for it’s us that purchase expensive gadgets, upgrade each year and stick names on waiting lists for a must have whatever. 800 quid for a bag anyone? Corporate & fashion giants just wait and watch like a dealer at the school gates or a Bank offering students ” discounts “. Nothing is for nothing. You’re hooked.

The concept of needs and wants comes into play in the fashion industry or any shop layout that puts sweets where we gather at the till. Once you see the game it’s great fun resisting and part of codependency recovery when we smile at the temptation instead of grabbing the chosen drug, be it a phone, an app or mint imperials, leaving one strangely heroic. Feeling and saying NO is noble. People moan about information overload while loading themselves up with things they don’t need, but looking cool goes cold until the next hot thing comes along. That’s corporate seduction for you.

We are all healthily dependent on electricity, computer technology and mobiles for communication, great if you are on the go ( which I’m not ) but it seems to me that when you have a mobile like a concorde flight panel only a tenth of it’s capability gets used. The remainder lays idle while the phone companies push the nine tenths and not the one tenth we use. You pay for that. If the drinks are FREE anywhere, we guzzle like a thirsty duck and so it is with the mobile. FREE TEXTS, FREE MINUTES only encourage use and abuse when communication is not required. Add up the time wasted sending coda texts to people, partners and friends instead of spending time on a train in solitude with self. If you think your life is stressful check your mobile use . . . another text coming in with trivial chat, no wonder you are stressed. TEXT ADDICTION is part of the ” needing to know ” aspect of codependency ” and it’s likely you don’t need to know. So if you check anything this New Year January check your mobile bill, check your hourly usage and if it gets too much, delete, delete, delete. Create mobile phone bounderies, not moan that everyone uses you as an ambulance 24/7.

Oh and another thing . . never check someones else’s mobile. It’s unhealthy to discover what you don’t need to know. If you keep doing this to your partner you are in the wrong relationship and liable to be more practiced at texting than sitting down and telling the truth. You can’t blame that on corporate collusion. So texting, sexting . . what’s next?

DELETING.

mygaytherapist

ONLINE Relationship Coaching, Codependency & Addiction Recovery. Zone 1 London – F2F Somatic Rebirthing Breathwork. " The ultimate expert in this field " QX Magazine . . . . . . . " Clubland's Therapist " Time Out LONDON.

Category Archives: Life Audit