Messy

29197049_10157384709039966_2013974846640577805_n

The walk of shame after a party period, especially if you can’t remember it, is not a good look, is it. Smeared slap, lost phones and a trip to Club Drug Clinic may be in order of the wake up. Time Out called me ‘Clubland’s Therapist’ in 2000, my millennium accolade. So if you need a chem check, booze check, lifestyle check or still resentful after a relationship ended several moons ago maybe it’s time to check into COACHING. #chems #booze #alcoholism#codependency #blackouts #lifeaudit #lifecoaching #gaylifecoach #gayfollow#instagay #gayboy #lgbt #gaylondon #gayskype #gaymen #homo#gaystagram #gaypersonalgrowth #addictions #gaylifestyle #gayrelationships 

 

 

Smashed phones, smashed lives.

11902593_751292425017355_4365397549991654353_nCHAOS LIVING creates smashed phones, relationships and bank accounts. Aside from the crack & booze problem and other forms of chemical support.

COACHING provides the first steps in cleaning minds, habits and houses. Here when you are ready.

#skypeme #coaching #instagay #gayboy #lgbt #gayguy #gayman #lesbian #transgender #addiction #gayrelationships #homo #gaystagram #chems #alcohol #mentalhealth #gaypersonalgrowth #gaylife #gaylondon #followme

https://www.instagram.com/mygaylifecoach/ 

When drinking partners become your problem.

large-131

Snogging another woman doesn’t always indicate lesbianism but research has shown ( PACE UK ) that lesbians have a higher propensity to snog a bottle of booze, percentage wise than straight women, while other research has suggested that this applies to all LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 peeps. Alcohol dependency before it becomes alcoholism can be just as troubling especially for family, partner or friends, however, seeking support around codependency issues can be a starting gun for change. #lgbtq #alcohol #alcoholism#alcoholic #alcoholabuse #chems#codependency #recovery #samesexcouple#samesexattraction #lesbian#lesbianskissing #relationshipgoals#recovery #cuttingdown

26992501_10157216009409966_3270414593989261280_n

https://www.app.com/story/life/wellness/2015/06/15/lesbians-alcohol-abuse/71257832/

Killing Conversation

27332318_10157234494059966_4586605276723177720_nWe know that digital use is killing conversation in LGBTQ circles as much as anywhere else. Apps have offered the opportunity to flirt without follow through. Nothing wrong with that. However if you just TALK in soundbites, emoticons and short texts that include the word HI as starters, you are not exactly in practice for the real world. Chems & Booze are not always the answer for shyness and low esteem so consider COACHING as an option to find your voice.

Cock pics may create a one night shag easy enough but it’s TALKING face to face that creates friendships and relationships of all kinds. #digitaladdiction #cuttingdown #personalgrowth #codependency #alcohol #drugs #depression #socialphobia #chaosliving #debtdisorders #

microsoft-kills-off-old-versions-of-skype-update-or-else-512587-2If you have any of these issues maybe it’s time to TALK to someone, 121 or Skype. Time to have a relationship with yourself maybe. #gayCOACHING 

 

Rejecting Rehab

amy-winehouse-pic-rex-features-596537980-1I’m sure you will agree that we all need a rest at some point from chems, trashing it and messy mishaps. The pages of laundromat magazines are full of celebrity rehab casualties caught out by the tabloids for doing coke and pushed into rehab for PR purposes. Liz Taylor was one of the first celebrities to visit The Betty Ford Center in 1982 when it opened, and spent most of her lifetime going in and out, a classic case of helping everyone else but sadly couldn’t help herself.

Gay men are much more likely to have used marijuana, pills, cocaine, ecstasy, ketamine, crystal meth, GHB, mephedrone, as examples, than men in the general population. We all know this. Not everyone gets into trouble with party drugs and a healthy debate abounds right now on harm reduction, but the addict, be it sex, dope, booze or gambling, needs to go for themselves, not to keep the peace or keep out of jail.

lindsay-lohan-drunk-22When Amy Winehouse sang ‘I don’t wanna go to Rehab’ we thought it was amusing until she was found dead on an alcohol overdose. Lindsay Lohan has recently been forced into Rehab by yet another judge. A CEO of a prominent treatment centre made an interesting point in an interview last month “The celebrities that so many people ask about, the ones who go to rehab without getting better, often have ‘treatment resistant’ addiction . . . Celebrities who have been classified as such have come to believe that they are in every way SPECIAL, and as such, the rules of life and recovery do not apply to them”.

I have equally witnessed gay men who think they are ‘special and different’, who think because of looks perhaps, they are untouched by addiction. They work out, party hard and hold down a job. So does LiLo and look at the state she’s in. Flicking through cheap laundromat mags, recounting celebrity mishaps, using them as benchmarks for your own behaviour can make one feel superior, but you know what they say “superior on the outside, inferior on the inside”.

Being defensive about secret behaviours leads to a path of denial, and when a friend, partner or sex buddy suggests looking at your escape routes it’s easy to become Amy or LiLo and act out ‘treatment resistant’. Not that rehab is the only answer for gay men with heavy drug or alcohol use, who are ‘walking through treacle getting nowhere fast’, not even to the point of addiction. Hovering between social use, heavy use and ‘must have’ use, is a very uncomfortable place to be. I’ve been there, and equally refused to listen.

I opted for total abstinence in the end, and have remained so ever since, as the evidence landed me in courts and institutions, but checking out your own relationship with all forms of drug use, and recognising how these habits affect all your other relationships is a task worth taking. You may need to give yourself a good talking too, but in the end it’s ‘action’ that holds the highest value.

The current Californian food diet to ravage the globe is the 5.2 diet, where you ‘fast’ for 2 days a week. It may be worth instigating this model into ‘habit fasting days’ if you think using drugs, alcohol, food or anger is becoming a habit or causing relationship problems. Your partner may be nagging you into submission (it rarely works-so stop it) if most of the time you prefer unconsciousness, playing the role of LiLo’s judge will only offer kick back. Forcing someone into counselling, therapy, support groups or rehab to save a relationship, a job or themselves is counter productive for until that person lets go of ‘special & different’, you are wasting breath. Change only works long term when they want it, as LiLo’s judge may discover.

Happy Gay Pride!Having said all that, PRIDE and vacation time is a chance to party more than usual, so don’t take the coming weekends as a benchmark. Trashed and messy is part of ‘letting go’, feeling part of collective bonding and community.

It’s more to do with ‘when & how’ the rest of the year and how you feel when you ‘fast’, whether your habits dominate your schedule and the kind of guys you hang out and collude with. They are the ones likely to enable you into thinking everything is OK. Taking a monthly check on lost phones, chaos living, money spent, manipulations lashed out, depression, moods or stinking thinking will serve you well. For without checking a bank statement you will never know how much money you have. Checking up on your lifestyle, before it costs you more than money, creates higher esteem, satisfaction and above all PRIDE.

This blog first appeared on June 25 2013 as my weekly post on guyspy.com https://www.guyspy.com/rejecting-rehab/

‘Empowerment’ June 2013 Edition of HIM-Magazine

A prolific London DJ, the infamous, multi-talented Stewart Who? once said of me in QX Magazine” If he was assassinated on Old Compton Street they couldn’t get a Police Station big enough to hold the usual suspects, because for well over a decade he has held the secrets of DJs, Club Promoters, Bar Owners, Escorts, Musicians, Lawyers & City Boys as well as counseling those affected by HIV/AIDS since 1984.

He was there at the beginning of AIDS “

124928820-2591b2b2-cda3-46a5-800d-9c60d7b6041b

When I read it in print, in stark hard copy, the thing that stuck out was the fact that “He was there at the beginning of AIDS “. It was such a fact that I ignored the impact of it. Yes I was, and sadly HIV/AIDS is still with us, but I’m still here. Prior to the arrival of GRID ( Gay Related Immune Deficiency – the given virus name before HIV in 1984 ) I was diagnosed in 1981 with incurable chronic active hepatitis B virus and cirrhosis of the liver, and was told surprisingly, that alcohol was not the cause, but early death was inevitable as no cure was available.  

At the same time a mysterious virus was hitting New York, San Francisco & Miami and as the Royal Free Hospital in London was a major teaching & research hospital, doctors came from those American cities to test people on the trial, because early USA cases were also chronic Hep B too. They sampled from us hair, blood, saliva & semen to take back to the US, but none of us seemed to have GRID. Within a year or so the Doctors at the Royal Free Liver Unit became HIV/AIDS pioneers opening up units in all London hospitals. In 1982 I was one of 10 guinea pigs on the first human Interferon drug trial in a famous London teaching hospital, which failed to find the cure to halt chronic active Hep B virus. Everyone died on the trial – except me.

766932-binge-drinking1But the real adventure began on October 26 1982 when I awoke from my last drug & alcohol binge weekend, washed up, rinsed, debt ridden and done in. Thus began my true journey.

The 80′s were tough. I was able along the way to own my sex addiction, and deal with the financial wreckage of the past by declaring voluntary bankruptcy in 1984, with no credit for 5 years, the consequences of addictive behaviour. As HIV/AIDS came along, I started counselling addicts, alcoholics and those dying of AIDS, and by 1990 I had lost over 50 friends, past lovers and clients to the virus, while I was in and out of hospital myself with liver failure.

How I survived I have no idea, but the promise of death is a motivator to beat it. In 1991, after a 3 year training I became an LRT (Loving Relationship Training) Relationship Coach & Rebirther and in 2010 was made an Honorary Member of The Australian Academy of Rebirthing & Breathwork, accredited to the Australian Government, for my work and service over 2 decades as a Breathworker, Addiction Specialist, Life Coach & Trainer. I have also led residentials, seminars and workshops in the UK, Australia, South America, Canada, Sweden, Italy, Austria, Estonia, Spain, Morocco and Goa in India. 

So yes, things did get better, and I am still alcohol, drug and nicotine free since 1982, plus I recovered from Hep B without using medications, and sero-converted my Hep B status using Yogic Breathwork. It took 11 years of constant attention, affirmations, therapies, friendships and hope. In the end I wanted to release Hep so bad, that the universe delivered and I never gave up. So be the lesson.

MediaAssetsComing to terms with an addiction is not easy, but for gay men the task can be harder. Walking away from a hedonistic social life in order to recover is challenging, and the addictions bring secondary issues, like debt, denial and emotional deceptions. Having used for 17 years and being clean & sober for over 30 years, it’s been a journey that reflects gay and personal liberations from struggle, debt and dysfunction. Off course I didn’t have the challenges that young gay men have today, in health or choices.

In 1967 when I came out, London had less than half a dozen gay bars & meeting places, now we have over 500 plus internet hook-ups, so it was very different scene. I came out 6 months before homosexuality was decriminalised, and offered electric shock aversion therapy, but declined it, and went on prescribed medication instead, then my drinking and drugging increased till I crashed into a space of awareness.

The first 15 years of my recovery were, I now see, the backbone to the next 15 years. Times of crisis, confusion or ill health are there to act out the art of growing up, building trust, reducing expectation & demands on self and others, and relinquishing all forms of codependent patterning.

The only attachment that matters to me now is queer spirit and the joy of not knowing what the world will bring. It’s ironic that I spent 17 years getting out of control, thinking I was in control, only to discover that being in control of your life is the biggest drug con of all. The most spiritual thought I hold is ‘I know nothing’. I have no idea why I recovered from an incurable disease, or why I needed to watch people dying of AIDS to be taught more about living, but If I can recover from this level of experience, then anyone can. It just takes diligence, practice and experienced support.

_________________________________________________________________________

This blog of mine first appeared in the online JUNE 2013 Edition of HIM-MAGAZINE “For the Man Who Invests In Himself!”

http://www.him-magazine.com/2013/06/01/a-journey-to-empowerment/

 

RELATIONSHIP GUYD @ guyspy.com

guySpy_01I have been asked by guyspy.com to write a regular piece on RELATIONSHIPS. Here is the interview with me and DANNY HILTON to start the whole thing off . . .

David Parker has been writing about, talking to and helping gays empower themselves since the 1980s. We’re super-excited to have him join us as our Relationship Guyd, covering everything from relationships with your boyfriend, Mum, Bank Manager and mobile phone. And a hell of a lot more. Hold on to your seat – this Guyd knows his stuff and says it how it is. I got the lo-down…

DH: Where do you come from and what do you do?

DP: Well, after over 20 years of doing what I do I’m still not sure what it is, as it moves and changes with people’s needs. I loathe the term Life Coaching, but in 1988 I began a 3 year training as a Loving Relationship Training Coach specialising in loving yourself, as well as loving others, when ‘empowerment’ was the key word, especially in the time of AIDS before combos. At one point I was called a Lifestylist, someone who shapes your life in the way a fashion stylist shapes the outer image, and this is still an aim. More work is often needed on the inside, rather than finding the right profile pic. In millennium 2000, Time Out, London’s listings mag called me ‘Clubland’s Therapist’, as my clientele included DJs, Club owners, music producers, dealers, and escorts as well as hardened clubbers, but twelve years on, I attract a wider market range, but the issues remain the same: relationships with people, family, work, money, drugs, viruses, body image, sex and emotional health. I still live in London UK, the gayest, queerest city in the world with over 500 LGBT meeting places, so distractions and casualties are aplenty, though I travel 4 months of the year leading Relationship Seminars around the world, specialising in codependency release and breeding functional relationships.

DH: What’s your approach?

DP: Unconventional. Someone once said I was the ‘Gordon Ramsey of the Coaching World’, as I didn’t do sympathy, excuses or pussy foot around. What they really meant is that with over 2 decades experience of assisting LGBT people to change lifestyles, deal with virus living and loving, or deconstruct unhealthy relationships, tough love needs to come into play sometimes, especially if addictions abound. I became a Loving Relationship Coach well before the fashion for coaching but still focus on the impact of birth trauma: how it affects all your relationships, challenging negativity and releasing suppressed emotions with Breathwork. Not many coaches come from this arena and my approach is based on my own experiences, not from a manual, like recovering from active addictions and overcoming long term illness. I don’t advertise anywhere, people find me through other people or read my blogs. Like Elaine Stritch singing Sondheim, I’ve been through, recovery, self-help stage, new age, middle age and new activist rage but “I’m still here.”

DH: What do you think are the biggest issues that gay men are faced with today?

DP: The same that gay men have always faced – ‘fear of aging, emotional editing, people pleasing and a desire to be loved,’ though these traits reflect all humanity not just gay men, except the gay script has got faster with new technologies and increased opportunity for hedonism. It is the best time, historically, to be gay, for most of us, especially via the web but anyone in IT will tell you ‘computers solve one problem and create another’ so it pays to constantly review your behaviours and all your relationships including the ones you have with food, chems, alcohol and your bank manager. Peer pressure and image is greater today than 20 years ago, yet the feeling that ‘it’s over by 30′ is thankfully in decline.

DH: How have things changed in 10 years?

Rapid-Hiv-Testing-Poster1DP: The HIV virus & BB still dominates the agenda, but drug use, including alcohol, in Europe has multiplied to excess. It’s the first thing American visitors say when they enter euro clubland or early morning net dating, yet this is not the whole picture. The young hipsters are not drug free, and no need to be, but much more interested in smaller individual meeting places, indie clubs, creative mixed bars, and social interest groups than hardened circuit party boys. Our world is now so diverse via the net, just like gay relationships, a full spectrum of graded tones of same sex attraction. Twenty five years ago AIDS took the Daddies away and now Daddy tops in their 50′s are as lusted over as skinny twinks. Men who have sex with men who defy labels have blurred the edges of what  ‘gay dating is’ and this has allowed all men to explore the net to full advantage, so I would say that the greatest change in 10 years is the release of shames around fetish and sexual activity.

DH: Who are our greatest role models in 2013?

DP: Oh that’s easy – yourself. Be your own fabulous role model this year. This supercedes the LGBT sportspeople, rappers, politicos and celebrities that are deemed to inspire us. Inspiration comes from within, should you take time out to dig deep BUT you need to prepare and get some action in. People you meet can be the best role model, they may be online or just round the corner, but learn to avoid projection, just give up a destination and let things occur naturally. Letting go of ‘needing to know’ is a wise role model.

Look out for David’s posts, coming soon! You can find out more from his websites, and you can follow him on twitter. Details below:

http://mygaytherapist.me
twitter: @mygaytherapist
http://www.theswarmite.com
twitter: @theswarmite