Tag Archives: Self- Help

My results with Conscious Connected Breathwork in 1-2-1 and Groupwork

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Robert “Bubbles” Beck is a director, writer, and performer with a flair for the fabulous. He has worked with David Parker for the last four years as his Personal Assistant – hence the reference to ‘AbFab’ in his name! He first encountered breath-work in 2013 and wrote about his early experiences for urban LIFECLASS. The following article first appeared in May 2014 on www.urbanlifeclass.me 

Follow him on Twitter @robertjamesbeck

The beauty of breath-work is that it allows me the chance to work on myself, as well as assisting others to do the same. While I have only been on this path of personal development for a relatively short amount of time, the profound effect it has had on me is something I am keen to help others discover, and particularly within the gay community.

Something I’ve observed is that those who are most sceptical about breath-work are the ones who have the greatest reaction to it. I was hugely sceptical when I started but after a number of really fantastic breathes, some reading about the science of breath-work, and now my work as an assistant I not only feel better in myself but am helping others on their own journeys. Pretty impressive for someone who used to believe that meditation and self-help seminars were a complete waste of time!!

LBG2015-BREATHE-WEB1280x800One workshop on the 27th April 2014 was a special one for me because it was the first time I was allowed to assist on a breathe this size. Having 15 people breathing at the same time meant that I had to be able to trust myself to provide that comforting hand or to guide someone through an integration independently while the trainers were off in another part of the room. It was a real learning-curve and taught me so much about recognising and appreciating the stunning effects that evolutionary breath-work and a bit of positive thinking can have on a person.

As is usual with our seminars, we began by asking ourselves some difficult questions, supplied by David who was facilitating the session. ‘This is what I want to ACHIEVE’ seems like a simple enough question to answer but comes with all sorts of caveats like “but I won’t achieve it because…” or “achieving that would be great but I don’t have the time…” We all build walls around our dreams that stop us from getting out there and trying to make them happen.

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Similarly, a question like ‘This is what I want to LET GO OF’ can throw up issues where we recognise something is bad for us and yet somehow unable to let go of it. How many of us have been in a relationship that we know is no good and yet are unable to walk away from?

Stopping to ask yourself these questions and forcing yourself to articulate answers can allow ideas to formulate that you’ve probably already had but have been hiding from. This is why I love this kind of work – because it is truly soul-searching and gives you that space to really get to know the person you are and the person you want to be. As a creative individual this is an invaluable exercise.

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These questions also allow you to structure your breathe a little bit.  The first time I breathed I found that focusing on my creative blocks beforehand meant that I became acutely aware of what it was that was stopping me achieving my creative goals and what I could do to break the chain of me blocking myself.

I have also breathed while focusing on my relationships and what it is that I want to get out of them. As a gay man, it can be hard to be truly honest with yourself about your relationships, but I found Breath-work gives you space to reflect and be open with yourself and become the key to becoming healthy and happy.

As well as being a great tool for relaxing and meditating, the fantastic thing about breath-work is that it’s a practical exercise that you can do to help yourself unclog the blocks that are stopping you from achieving your full potential. It also provides you with the space you need to reflect on aspects of your life that might not be working for you at the moment and to help you develop a set of coping mechanisms that will turn your life around. 

breathe-deep-21-300x199So if you’re ready to try something new which could get you out of a slump and transform the way you think about your life then give evolutionary breath-work a go.

My journey from hardened sceptic to total devotee is proof that this kind of work can benefit everyone. So take a breath, dive in, and get ready for results. 

Selective memory

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man-computer-628Using the web, on computer or smartphone, to find love, approval, instant sex or another partner is unwise before you begin to consider repairing past relationships. That old adage ‘insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result’ certainly rings true. Time for a check-in surely on past and present behaviour, after all, when you drive a car without lessons you often end up in Accident & Emergency. What makes you think that driving a relationship without help is wise? Look at your track record.

When you scour over the past like an anthropologist scraping away with a trowel, to find the jewel to make all the emotional pain worthwhile, memory can be selective. The most heard quote in relationship repair coaching is likely to be ‘the sex was really good’, followed by ‘after a row’.

Some partners need a row, to feel the fear of loss, before the sexual act brings bonding, capture, safety and security back to the fore. If a relationship lasts, and many do, it does not mean its functional, for without support, education and confrontation, all you get is what you think a relationship is : a laboratory of battle, let down and discontent. Resentments you thought you had drowned eventually learn to swim. Unconditional love defies battle but in order to achieve this level of bliss, battle needs to leave the heart.

9781439117699_p0_v2_s260x420When you are knee deep in self-help books, in recovery or therapy it takes a while to dig deep, to find the innocent perfection that occurred before life became scarred, disappointing or laden with guilt. 
One thing is sure – doing it alone is difficult – many read books or attend group but few do the exercises as a path to emotional progress. Sharing pain, fears and selective memories in the beginning of any therapeutic process is like having a romance with the mind . .  it’s light, new and inspiring. After a while the concentration wavers, remembrance becomes painful and fight or flight turns up with a smirk to test your nerve. In her latest book THE NEW CODEPENDENCY, the Queen of Coda Recovery, Melody Beattie writes, in the chapter called : Healing what hurts, the following :
 
” As codependency hit the mainstream, people not in recovery talked about ideas such as self-care and limits. We recognised that if a problem or illness – from Alzheimer’s Disease to a spinal cord injury – affects one family member, it affects the whole family too. What affects one part affects the whole. Support groups for caregivers spread like wildfire. Caregivers need care, too. Internet groups and chat rooms have been added to the list of resources. ( There wasn’t a self-help section when Codependent No More first came out ). Groups, therapists, treatment centres, support and information saturated society – from OPRAH to the news-stands. Less self-help? There’s never been more. ”
 
But having this level of support available does not mean it will be picked up. Most pick up information in a crisis, while self-care really involves prevention to avoid crisis. The first point of reference in self-care is to ask for help and stay the distance, so journey on and avoid selective memory. It’s easy to use selective memory to convince that it ” wasn’t that bad ” looking back over past and present relationships in appraisal. 
Many air brush over truth, romanticise the pain and people please, rather than re-experience or even own the battle within. This is what I call ” can’t leave/can’t stay ” bungie jump relationships, because when partners hit the wall of denial and fear, they bounce back to a space of familiarity, even one saturated in low esteem and fear of abandonment. The easiest way to begin healing the hurts, in my experience, is to find another person in therapy, recovery or in groupwork. It’s harder to be in denial when you hear someone else telling your story.Then it’s more likely that the light bulbs will come on, when you realise and accept, the patterns of pain you can’t let go of.
 
sex-addictionHealthy relationships avoid babysitting, parenting and distorted truths.There is no point clearing the wreckage of the past, only to create another archaeological dig decades later. So it makes sense to tell the truth faster, to find your voice, emotional equality and create a union worthy of remembrance.
Today’s ‘New Codependencies’ and attachments in the internet age are as plentiful as the self help groups available to help and heal, so it makes sense to combat one with the other. Many LGBT groups exist online if your locality offers no support, as well as telephone Helplines, so reach out. In the early 80’s I was Art Editor of a Computer Management magazine, way before home computers were de rigueur. At the interview I said ‘but I don’t know anything about computers’, their reply was concise ‘ You don’t need to, be creative, all you need to know is that computers solve one problem and create another!’ Who would have thought that smartphone, sexting, gaming and porn would become some of those problems over the past decade, in maintaining a relationship?
 
Owning your own part in relationship breakdown is halfway to ending a destructive cycle like ‘blaming the partner’. That rarely works. Nor does blaming yourself, so eradicate blame, it only breeds resentment and we know where that leads. Living a healthy emotional life means letting go of  negativity and  working on emotional clean-up as you go along. Selective memory serves only a codependent mind, for truth precedes peace, clarity precedes serenity and unconditional love is the result.