Lazy Dating

true-colorsDon’t be afraid to show your true colours. The ultimate in lazy dating starts with what I call ‘profile paralysis’, the art of having nothing to say, but it just can’t be closet voyeurs that have nothing on their profile but ‘Hi’ and ‘just ask’. Sadly this epidemic of shyness, affecting all age groups, is now as ubiquitous as a kitten pic update on social media. Way before the internet, gays found dating heaven in the classifieds of magazines and gay papers, but if you were looking for speciality sex, olympic sex or even someone to settle down with, the ads all read the same rhythm : tediously boring. TIME OUT London’s listing weekly magazine was one of the first to list ‘men for men’ classified ads in the 1970’s, but had to add ‘over 21’ in the header to comply with the law relating to Age of Consent. This sparked a continuous trend until the mid nineties when LOOT a ‘find anything you want to buy or sell’ newspaper had specific sections for sexual activity, including introducing us to the word ‘bi-curious’, and at the same time gay writer Mark Simpson coined the phrase of the decade : ‘metrosexual’. Now you would think that all these tribal divisions of sexual play amongst gay men would create imaginative, stimulating prose. Far from it.

Troll-Dolls-322x181-1The straight ads for opposite sex hook-ups were by comparison witty, informative and amusing. The gay section in the same media read like a shopping list of desires ending with no fats, no fems. So much for the myth that gays can gentrify any area by moving in. Maybe this stems from man-to-man anonymous sex founded on sexual attraction first, ask questions later, while straight dating at least has the formality of asking a name before they unzip. Mind you I can understand that if you happen to be partaking in rough sex, a name or even a voice is off-putting.

I could never understand how you could screw up a presentation of yourself in 30 classified words, but some years later I led a seminar on Dating for Gay Men, and discovered that given the opportunity to write a biography of themselves in 70 words most just sat there chewing a pencil or gurning gum until inspiration interrupted the endless void. Most never made even 30 words to describe themselves. Try it.

What I did discover was that in ‘profile paralysis’ they used words or phrases that other’s used, no innovation, and on discussion it appeared that this was part of a sense of belonging and avoiding rejection by remaining minimal, so most writings consisted of what they thought people wanted rather than who they really were, and who they really were, was not good enough. The reality is that people are looking for uniqueness, good or bad. Quentin Crisp once said that defects of character were a bonus, stating that when friends said ‘ the trouble with you is . . ‘ remained the most interesting aspect of their personality. The situation we find ourselves in now is easier smartphone hook-ups where there is just about every fetish available online, including fats and fems so denigrated in previous decades, who have come into their own. Big boys, Ladyboys and experimenting straight boys who need direction and attention, all hold a place of dating opportunity.

1343991777-70273200So get busy and check out your own GuySpy profile and market yourself with gusto. Has it got tired? Has no one asked? Maybe it’s less than 30 words? Try adding a few quirks, queer hobbies or even a few defects, after all these things make up a well rounded character. Lazy words creates lazy dating & profile paralysis creates stuck energy, so ruffle through a dictionary and make readers think, instead of stare then click over, amuse them with flair and constantly review your pics, especially the old iPhone self shots in the bathroom. It’s over, they are everywhere, and that one when you looked HOT 4 years ago with a tan and now you look like a boiled hot dog in too tight pants, is not the best way to demand ‘no bullshitters or dishonest types’. Look in the mirror.

Do the pics match what you see?

Oh . . . and your real age would be a good beginning too. If dating turns into a relationship, trust is already soured, so remember – truth and individuality wins out!


In the ’80’s Empowerment was bigger than big hair, and our Joanie as Alexis Carrington led the way. Big hair, big power shoulders and big drama on Dynasty had us hooked and at the same time our m8s were going down like flies to AIDS so the buzz word was EMPOWERMENT. At this time I was undergoing my own drama’s – recovering from active addiction, personal bankruptcy, cirrhosis of the liver plus living and dying with chronic active Hepatitis B Virus that had no cure. This is how I came to empower myself.

Every AIDS movie had to have 2 props, one was a token screaming queen and the other a copy of Louise L. Hay’s YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE on the bedside cabinet. If you don’t believe me watch Philadelphia, the 1993 Tom Hanks movie.

When the book was published in 1984 she began creating and leading support groups for people living with HIV/ AIDS – she called these ” Hay Rides ” – for around 300 gay men who were told they were about to die. I got sent the book in 1984 from a friend in San Diego along with an AIDS tape with a guided meditation which I used every night for 3 years. By 1990 I hit the big 50 mark of people I knew who had died of AIDS, many gay recovering addicts and alcoholics with immune systems too weak to withstand longevity, then I stopped counting cases and going to funerals. Between 1994 -96 I worked with people who had a CD4 count under 10 and many in single figures. I assisted those dying in completing this lifetime but many are still alive today with combos, but combos are not empowering unless you HEAL YOUR LIFE alongside it – habits will return unless observed with intent for change.

During the 80’s you only had therapy if you had AIDS or experienced breakdown. Now we talk more about harm reduction rather than waiting to crash and burn. Therapy is now the stuff of glossy mags and pub talk but many still see therapy as fashionable nonsense rather than EMPOWERMENT. Look at Alexis – she powered herself on the outside – Big Shoulders, Big Eyes, Big Ambitions. Well it may get you noticed but it won’t get you sane. The birth of Muscle Marys came out of AIDS when young men became skin and bone before our eyes so we began to bulk up & beef up, but Empowerment comes from having the courage to look inside and not being concerned with the wrapping. Aussiebums never healed ANY life to my knowledge, but therapy has saved millions to balanced thinking & living.

Although parts of the book may feel too New Age and dated now, you cant deny that it has sold 35 million copies in over 30 languages and is still on the New York Times Best Seller List 25 years later. Louise wrote about Empowerment as a natural act and rather surprised that people hadn’t cottoned on to this simplicity – that thoughts are creative. If your mind or lifestyle is crammed and speedy look upon therapy of any kind, including bodywork, as a speed-bump that slows you down to a code of observation. Only by observation can you empower yourself or to put it another way – you can’t get well until you realise how sick you are.

You may ask yourself whether you are a grab-it-all like Alexis powering through with rancidity, swinging those big shoulders to the left and right barging through. Perhaps you have chosen to sound like this but the power is all show because when it comes to saying NO to someone, you always say YES to keep the peace. Maybe you think you are empowered being in a VIP area or on a guest list. You may also may want to check the fuel you use to power the engine.

This weeks REHAB exercise is to ask friends how they see you. Quentin Crisp always said that the most interesting thing about a person starts with ” the trouble with you is . . . So don’t ask your friends how good you are, cut to the chase and ask ” so what’s the trouble with me . . .?  Learning not to take criticism personally and taking it on the chin as constructive feedback is real empowerment. So take a breath, listen & learn.