Changing Habits

Sister Act

As we enter ‘Mad March’ you may want to check out how well you did in changing habits for the New Year. Is it Hallalulah! or best not think about it? Likely to be the latter then.

Making ‘changes’ needs preparation and prepping takes time. The lust for instant gratification can rule our roost in search for sex, companionship and a sense of belonging, so it’s easy to dump a plan, like a spoilt child, just because you can’t see progress straight away. Through illness mainly, I have been forced to change habits and half the time I protested. By the time I was 40 I had given up alcohol, recreational drugs and nicotine for 5 years, the truth of the matter being that alcohol particularly, had given up on me, not me giving it up, and I had been on a veggie diet for 5 years to sustain a screwed up chronic active hepatitis B liver that was getting worse through auto infection. Then doctors told me caffeine was next. The last straw indeed. So I protested, like a spoilt child, gave it a go but then discovered and proved that a double macchiato, did no more damage to a cirrhosed liver and made me happier than living without. Soon the vegan, veggie bit went, the crazy diets went but abstention from demon drink and chems have stayed till this day of writing.

image11In my experience ‘projection’ will kill your spirit. The story, growth and lesson is in the journey, not the destination, and the relationship you have with your mindset has greater value than someone swinging off your arm. Once you learn to check-in with yourself and delete more quickly what you don’t need, you are likely to find healthier relationships appear more easily. So if you change anything, start with changing from ‘wants’ to ‘needs’. You may want another boyfriend but do you need one right now? Maybe working a bit on yourself, your attitude and your projections will suffice for now until you are really clear. How about dating, sexually exploring and NOT seeking a relationship until you decide you are emotionally intelligent enough to sustain one. Projected romance is another killer. If meeting someone on-line and projecting wedding bells within 2 weeks always gets you into trouble then best if you recognise it doesn’t work anymore. Trying to make something work, rather than allowing time to do it’s work, is a great habit to change. This codependent concept of ‘time running out’ only creates bad choices, self punishment and fear of abandonment so wise up, play the field but remain playful. A spoilt child always demands, while a happier child remains in the moment, engrossed in the process of waiting not wanting.

So if you realise that those New Year Resolutions you made so avidly in January are now used as a thrashing tool, don’t give up, you can always rescue a plan. In fact it’s easier than rescuing a man, that always leads to trouble. Maybe that IS one of your habits : to find the waif, the stray, the vulnerable to ‘help’, to parent, to babysit. The real habit here is the desire to be in charge, in control, in power and will often bite you back. This element of codependency is common in same sex relationships and the solution is learning to flip emotionally, from power top to power bottom. Many men will choose a boyfriend who can’t ‘give back’ emotionally then complain that their ‘needs’ aren’t being met. Maybe the change here is that he doesn’t have the skills because you have enabled him not to employ them. Ongoing intimacy occurs when you can afford to be as vulnerable as your  partner, or your friends without feeling you are no longer in charge.

Writing a list of habits you want to change, even one’s you think you have failed on, is the first step to getting back on track.

*This blog of mine first appeared at where I am RELATIONSHIP GUYD.

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