Fantasy kidnap

Posted on March 1, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

Over the past few months two TV programmes : one American, about hollywood royalty Alfred Hitchcock, and Britain’s own regalia ‘Downton Abbey’, featured aspects of unrequited love, manipulation and control. ‘The Girl’ an HBO Film , focusses on the director Hitchcock’s obsession with Tippi Hedren, his leading lady in ‘The Birds’. In ‘Downton’ gay viewers have witnessed for several series now, the suppressed emotionally controlled homosexual footman Thomas Barrow clumsily attempt to pursue silent affection from afar. Hitchcock in real life terrorised and stalked Hedren ending both their careers, and Barrow, a made up character in a drama series, both excel in the desire to be loved, but chose the wrong person.

Checking up on wiki, ‘unrequited love’ is defined as ‘ love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such, the beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer’s deep and strong romantic affections’. Many gay men have experienced such a conundrum in the search for a relationship or discovering sexuality awareness. Before the internet, face to face cruising was the norm so younger readers may not be aware that before smartphone apps we really did have to go by our intuition as to whether someone was gay or not, especially in the workplace. Lusting a straight co-worker is one thing but forming an imaginary obsession is quite another. This is fantasy kidnap. Set in the 1920′s ‘Downton’s’ Thomas, watches, waits and pounces when he thinks his chance is ripe, but alas get’s knocked back with public shame and humiliation when he strikes.

At least on guyspy you can see what you are getting ( and often more than a torso shot ) but as eye contact is usually made first on a sexual level, rather than an emotional one, the risk of public shame is limited. This level of sexual flirting, sexting and playfulness is harmless and in many ways educational, but where harms starts to penetrate is where the flirts results in obsession, as in the case of Hitchcock. Although married to his long suffering wife, Alfred became obsessed with Tippi Hedren, the ’emotionally and sexually unavailable’ prey. He used his power, his lust and obsession to control, manipulate and psychologically damage her, so she never worked again. It was also the end of his career. Many relationships, including same-sex, indulge in these pastimes believing obsession to be love, when in fact it’s taking someone hostage. Emotional kidnap is a form of codependency : the need to be needed, the lust to be desired.

In 1970 in his book Sex and Human loving, Eric Berne wrote ‘ Some say that one-sided love is better than none, but like half a loaf of bread, it is likely to grow hard and mouldy sooner’. Cruising on the web can be obsessive, we all know that, in search of intimacy, friendship or instant sex, but searching for a partner on the web can also be grounds for disappointment and personal rejection when you unconsciously seek out the ‘unavailable’ just to prove no one wants you. Many men feel ‘passed over, ignored and overlooked’ in dating matters, consequently they feel only worthy of a slice of bread instead of the whole loaf. This creates the low esteem notion that they have no choices, they hotly pursue anything in sight in order to play the numbers game, or wait to be chosen in silence. All or nothing. Hitchcock used power, influence and obsession to trap Hedren. Thomas watched, waited and pounced. Neither got what they wanted.

So in order to achieve what you desire it pays to check out how you operate on the web. Do you send ‘Hi’ messages and get nothing back? Maybe a a sentence will help. Do you chat with escorts to get a freebie or is it a way of convincing yourself of being ‘not good enough’? Do you wait to be chosen on guyspy or use your power, status, or big pecs, to acquire someone who needs to be rescued? Spend the next week checking out how you operate online. Write down all the things that form a pattern, good or not so good, where you get kick backs, and where you get the best results. This will form a template for future success and stop you from choosing the wrong guy to date with, who eventually, via emotional kidnap, could be the next relationship you are trying to escape from.

This blog first appeared in my regular column at http://www.guyspy.com where I am RELATIONSHIP GUYD.

Relationship Karma

Posted on February 22, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

Sometimes people I don’t know, ask me whether I am in a relationship. When I say ‘No” they look at me with bambi eyes, more with pity than with pride, and then I say ‘ but I have all kinds of relationships in my life, why should I just focus on ‘the one?.’ When you have passed the point of performing to gain a relationship, then experienced quite a few along the way, life tells you that relationships aren’t always cracked up to the press release, that relationships need constant maintenance like a well planned garden. Often effort is put into the coupling during the first year, then interest wanes, weeds appear, and fences fall down. Or perhaps you’re just not cut out to have one, as many have discovered. This romantic notion, one size fits all, that there is ‘someone out there for you’, is as abusive as being told we should all be straight.

So welcome to my first guyspy blog on this dodgy subject of intimacy, projection and fear. I say that because ‘love brings up everything unlike itself for the purpose of healing’. This phrase still hovers in my head though I first heard it in the late 80’s during my Relationship Coaching Training. Initially I had no idea what it meant, then it dawned on me, as I examined past relationships, that my dysfunctional relationships embraced jealousy, rage, abandonment, codependency and fear, much more than love. So thus I walked the path of discovery, and maybe you will walk with me as the weeks go by, as I open up insights into why some relationships bathe in longevity while other constitute a shorter period. One of the most powerful relationships I had lasted 10 days. He was much, much younger than me, as was my passion then. A skinny wildly creative twink who thought he wanted to be a girl at 14, a cross-dressing bisexual boy at 19, and ‘not sure if he was gay’ at 20. Horse hung, hairy, confused and a student at St Martins School of Art, a model for The Face magazine, and a hairdresser with one of London’s top salons. He was everything I thought I wanted to be. This brought up ‘everything unlike itself for the purpose of healing’. On the 10th day he got out of bed in the early hours and said ‘I can’t do this anymore, I’ve put my mum through too much stuff already, to be gay as well is too much’. So I just kissed him and said ‘I know’. It was not about being ‘in love’, because I wasn’t in love with him, but I loved him enough to let him go, to find his own path. No drama and no manipulation from me was the lesson, and the first time I had consciously applied it. His vulnerability brought up my own coming out, from straight to bisexual to gay at 20 years old and his creativity reminded me that I missed my own place at Art School because we moved away from the area and I still felt resentful. His conundrum mirrored my past and I needed to detox the aftermath.

15 years later I sat with a new client and as he unravelled his relationship distress, I realised his partner was ‘Mr 10 days’. A wind of of shiver blew through me and I mentioned his name. The client was startled. Then he said “Did you ever live in Clapham ?’. Yes, I said. He continued, ‘he talks about you often, the first man that treated him as a man, a man who needed to take responsibility for himself, thank you’. We decided at that point to ethically end our sessions with warm embrace and move on. When he left I felt tearful, not with loss but the joy that he had found himself and that I played a small part in it.

When you go online this week, seeking sex or a relationship search, remind yourself that any journey is more important than the relationship destination. That sexual experimentation, friendship, respect and influence is likely to hold a deeper memory with someone than the lost relationship, the ‘one’ that got away, the so called failure. In future posts I will examine and maybe influence your views on relationships, the ones with money, body image, with intimacy, chemicals, compulsive patterns and soul confusion. Whether you are in an open or closed relationship, single or ‘it’s complicated’, let’s not dismiss all the other relationships around you that need attention and energy.

That garden still needs care and attention.

This blog first appeared in my regular column at http://www.guyspy.com where I am RELATIONSHIP GUYD.

RELATIONSHIP GUYD @ guyspy.com

Posted on February 18, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

I have been asked by guyspy.com to write a regular piece on RELATIONSHIPS. Here is the interview with me and DANNY HILTON to start the whole thing off . . .

David Parker has been writing about, talking to and helping gays empower themselves since the 1980s. We’re super-excited to have him join us as our Relationship Guyd, covering everything from relationships with your boyfriend, Mum, Bank Manager and mobile phone. And a hell of a lot more. Hold on to your seat – this Guyd knows his stuff and says it how it is. I got the lo-down…

DH: Where do you come from and what do you do?

DP: Well, after over 20 years of doing what I do I’m still not sure what it is, as it moves and changes with people’s needs. I loathe the term Life Coaching, but in 1988 I began a 3 year training as a Loving Relationship Training Coach specialising in loving yourself, as well as loving others, when ‘empowerment’ was the key word, especially in the time of AIDS before combos. At one point I was called a Lifestylist, someone who shapes your life in the way a fashion stylist shapes the outer image, and this is still an aim. More work is often needed on the inside, rather than finding the right profile pic. In millennium 2000, Time Out, London’s listings mag called me ‘Clubland’s Therapist’, as my clientele included DJs, Club owners, music producers, dealers, and escorts as well as hardened clubbers, but twelve years on, I attract a wider market range, but the issues remain the same: relationships with people, family, work, money, drugs, viruses, body image, sex and emotional health. I still live in London UK, the gayest, queerest city in the world with over 500 LGBT meeting places, so distractions and casualties are aplenty, though I travel 4 months of the year leading Relationship Seminars around the world, specialising in codependency release and breeding functional relationships.

DH: What’s your approach?

DP: Unconventional. Someone once said I was the ‘Gordon Ramsey of the Coaching World’, as I didn’t do sympathy, excuses or pussy foot around. What they really meant is that with over 2 decades experience of assisting LGBT people to change lifestyles, deal with virus living and loving, or deconstruct unhealthy relationships, tough love needs to come into play sometimes, especially if addictions abound. I became a Loving Relationship Coach well before the fashion for coaching but still focus on the impact of birth trauma: how it affects all your relationships, challenging negativity and releasing suppressed emotions with Breathwork. Not many coaches come from this arena and my approach is based on my own experiences, not from a manual, like recovering from active addictions and overcoming long term illness. I don’t advertise anywhere, people find me through other people or read my blogs. Like Elaine Stritch singing Sondheim, I’ve been through, recovery, self-help stage, new age, middle age and new activist rage but “I’m still here.”

DH: What do you think are the biggest issues that gay men are faced with today?

DP: The same that gay men have always faced – ‘fear of aging, emotional editing, people pleasing and a desire to be loved,’ though these traits reflect all humanity not just gay men, except the gay script has got faster with new technologies and increased opportunity for hedonism. It is the best time, historically, to be gay, for most of us, especially via the web but anyone in IT will tell you ‘computers solve one problem and create another’ so it pays to constantly review your behaviours and all your relationships including the ones you have with food, chems, alcohol and your bank manager. Peer pressure and image is greater today than 20 years ago, yet the feeling that ‘it’s over by 30′ is thankfully in decline.

DH: How have things changed in 10 years?

DP: The HIV virus & BB still dominates the agenda, but drug use, including alcohol, in Europe has multiplied to excess. It’s the first thing American visitors say when they enter euro clubland or early morning net dating, yet this is not the whole picture. The young hipsters are not drug free, and no need to be, but much more interested in smaller individual meeting places, indie clubs, creative mixed bars, and social interest groups than hardened circuit party boys. Our world is now so diverse via the net, just like gay relationships, a full spectrum of graded tones of same sex attraction. Twenty five years ago AIDS took the Daddies away and now Daddy tops in their 50′s are as lusted over as skinny twinks. Men who have sex with men who defy labels have blurred the edges of what ‘gay dating is’ and this has allowed all men to explore the net to full advantage, so I would say that the greatest change in 10 years is the release of shames around fetish and sexual activity.

DH: Who are our greatest role models in 2013?

DP: Oh that’s easy – yourself. Be your own fabulous role model this year. This supercedes the LGBT sportspeople, rappers, politicos and celebrities that are deemed to inspire us. Inspiration comes from within, should you take time out to dig deep BUT you need to prepare and get some action in. People you meet can be the best role model, they may be online or just round the corner, but learn to avoid projection, just give up a destination and let things occur naturally. Letting go of ‘needing to know’ is a wise role model.

Look out for David’s posts, coming soon! You can find out more from his websites, and you can follow him on twitter. Details below:

http://mygaytherapist.me
twitter: @mygaytherapist
http://www.theswarmite.com
twitter: @theswarmite

Texting, Sexting, Nexthing?

Posted on January 6, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

I just don’t get it. Mobile Phones that is – and I’m struggling with Twitter. People who know me well know I don’t text, can’t text, won’t text. That sums up all this high tech malarkey for me. I can use my MacBook and Facebook with ease, create graphic blog sites like this one but the mobile just bores me to death. According to predictions for the next decade everything will be on MOBILE, including a microwave oven, so best if I accept now that my life is over. How, you may ask, can I live without apps for every thing I didn’t need to know, 400 free texts a month and 200 FREE minutes. Easy. They only want your money and new habits to squander. It’s all a scam to eventually fleece you. Stay focussed.

Ask any fashion forecaster how it’s done. Funny how pink is in one year and mustard the next, all the shops must be psychic, as they all piggy back each other. It’s a bold designer that says bog off – its mauve. It’s all a scam to make you feel on the outside.

Corporate collusion is to blame for they know that when people suffer from the disease of never enough & needing to belong to something or someone ( co-dependency ) they will always want more until they get bored and demand a different hit. But blaming corporate collusion is also a cheap way out, for it’s us that purchase expensive gadgets, upgrade each year and stick names on waiting lists for a must have whatever. 800 quid for a bag anyone? Corporate & fashion giants just wait and watch like a dealer at the school gates or a Bank offering students ” discounts “. Nothing is for nothing. You’re hooked.

The concept of needs and wants comes into play in the fashion industry or any shop layout that puts sweets where we gather at the till. Once you see the game it’s great fun resisting and part of codependency recovery when we smile at the temptation instead of grabbing the chosen drug, be it a phone, an app or mint imperials, leaving one strangely heroic. Feeling and saying NO is noble. People moan about information overload while loading themselves up with things they don’t need, but looking cool goes cold until the next hot thing comes along. That’s corporate seduction for you.

We are all healthily dependent on electricity, computer technology and mobiles for communication, great if you are on the go ( which I’m not ) but it seems to me that when you have a mobile like a concorde flight panel only a tenth of it’s capability gets used. The remainder lays idle while the phone companies push the nine tenths and not the one tenth we use. You pay for that. If the drinks are FREE anywhere, we guzzle like a thirsty duck and so it is with the mobile. FREE TEXTS, FREE MINUTES only encourage use and abuse when communication is not required. Add up the time wasted sending coda texts to people, partners and friends instead of spending time on a train in solitude with self. If you think your life is stressful check your mobile use . . . another text coming in with trivial chat, no wonder you are stressed. TEXT ADDICTION is part of the ” needing to know ” aspect of codependency ” and it’s likely you don’t need to know. So if you check anything this New Year January check your mobile bill, check your hourly usage and if it gets too much, delete, delete, delete. Create mobile phone bounderies, not moan that everyone uses you as an ambulance 24/7.

Oh and another thing . . never check someones else’s mobile. It’s unhealthy to discover what you don’t need to know. If you keep doing this to your partner you are in the wrong relationship and liable to be more practiced at texting than sitting down and telling the truth. You can’t blame that on corporate collusion. So texting, sexting . . what’s next?

DELETING.

Family Christmas

Posted on December 16, 2012 by urbanlifeclass

Many gayers will be going home for Christmas only to discover the reason why they left. It can’t be the telly on non-stop, though it’s high on the list when it comes to irritation, nor is it the best behaviour one must endure with the rellies. Maybe it’s the silence. Yes the silence about you batting for the other side. No one mentions it.

Maybe this Party Game will help to explain why – it’s a bit like Trivial Pursuit. All you have to do each day is observe your family, tick a few boxes and decide which side of FAMILY FORTUNES they are on. Let your major focus be on your family of origin, and you may learn something about why you choose the type of GAY FAMILY around you. It may sound a bit OPRAH, but give in to the observations.

Meet the Family FUNCTIONAL : tell us what your components are – Team A.

Your functional family of origin gave you a permanent conviction of belonging. A functional family is the healthy soil out of which individuals can become mature human beings which includes a balance between autonomy and dependency with social, sexual, emotional and soul training at home. It’s a place where high esteem is taught and acknowledged as normal, where expression of feelings is supported and boundaries honoured. Each person, including parents, are given a structure which is safe enough to risk growth and individuation. Each person needs affection and recognition. Each person needs challenge and stimulation to move through each stage of development plus self-actualisation and spiritualisation. Spiritualisation involves the need to love, care for, to seek truth whilst avoiding self obsession.

Through this responsible process we safely experience emotions like FEAR, the energy of discernment, SADNESS, the energy of saying goodbye and completing instead of walking away half finished, GRIEF and sadness to create energy in completing the past and moving on with forgiveness not resentment. GUILT is the energy that forms our conscience, it’s called that because it’s a confidence trick. Functional families honour guilt but see it as con-science. Called the mafia of the mind it has no basis in fact, it’s an illusion that controls and demands pain. SHAME is the energy that lets us know we have a limit, shame can be functional because it’s feeling that we have crossed a boundary, we have made a mistake but can learn from it. JOY is the energy of freedom, our needs are fulfilled and we feel complete in our skin and whole being. It’s a natural high like THE WALTONS.

Now meet the Family DYSFUNCTIONAL : Team B

Each family member always carries the family within themselves. Your birth is your first life experience and emotional role model and your upbringing will linger longer than you think. Both will affect all future adult relationships. A dysfunctional family is riddled with secrets and what go’s on in this house, stays in this house. Codependency is the major outcome of the dysfunctional family set-up with the following defective components :

CONTROL – One must be in control of all interactions, feelings and personal behaviour at all times. This is the survival instinct. Once you control your feelings all spontaneity is lost and control gives each family member a sense of power, predictability and security. Control madness is in everyone. No wonder drugs offer a respite solution.
PERFECTIONISM is about being right in everything you do, it’s exhausting to watch and suggests superior on the outside while inferior on the inside. The need for perfectionism is the fear of rejection and abandonment coupled with approval addiction. Think Hyacinth Bucket. BLAME – rather than take responsibility for themselves dysfunctional family members will continuously blame each other, until anger and voices rise, breeding COMPETITION and RIVALRY. DENIAL is not knowing what YOUR needs are but clear about everyone else’s in the family. Think Antony in Caroline O’Hearn’s ROYLE FAMILY.

EMOTIONAL WITHHOLD figures high on the list of dysfunction. Don’t talk openly about feelings, thoughts, sexuality and fearful experiences. This means abiding by the rule of perfectionism, loyalty and misguided duty. As Eric Idle sang in Python” Always look on the bright side of life ” is the perfect ploy for shutting up about how you really feel. This is a useful distraction from the reality of emotional pain or other scarcities. Avoid upsetting anyone. Dysfunctional family members love a fight, a drama and the battle of separation encouraging INCOMPLETION. The resentment must go on for years because ” it’s FAMILY “. Plus don’t mention the row to anyone else. UNRELIABILITY is the result of dysfunction, never trust anyone and be on 24 hour guard duty for personal attack and when attack occurs REMEMBER IT. Family feuds go on for years until no one can remember what caused it. LACK OF BOUNDARIES completes the jokers pack of the dysfunctional family.

So as you munch on a mince pie, check a few things about how you feel about being home. Is alcohol controlling the proceedings? Is kitchen stress evident, with a price to pay? Are you counting the hours or do you wish you came home more often? If you do, plan it while you are at home and communicate what you miss, it’s likely parents or siblings will value that. It’s very easy for gayers to withold the truth about clubbing/drugging/city life and sauna frolics and no one is suggesting you go for full confession but often our families think we don’t care when we remain silent and if they remain silent about your sexuality then it may be because YOU are not mentioning it. Politeness can be a killer.

So as you consider whether your FAMILY is A or B think also about how you have created a gay family of choice. Does it reflect your family home with the same old stuff going on? Then it’s time to review that too. Check out who serves your needs and who takes you for granted. Who reminds you of Dad? Who never rings back? Many of my blogs refer to Family Dysfunction, Codependency and Relationship recovery so if it gets too much go online for a barrage of info over the festive period @ http://www.theswarmite.com

World AIDS Day 2012

Posted on November 30, 2012 by urbanlifeclass

In the current climate of rising HIV infections amongst Gay Men in the UK, when health charities often place the sensibilties of poz people above prevention, many say we need to go back to basics. When this so called *gay plague* started I was there, being tested at The Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead in 1981. Doctors had flown from America to London because a mysterious virus had turned up in major american cities in gay men who were also chronic Hepatitis B Virus. I had recently been told that I had Cirrhosis of the Liver caused by chronic Hep B living in my body undetected for a decade. I was a Hep B super-carrier with an immune system unable to create the antibodies to fight the virus. I stopped drinking alcohol, dealing with my addiction to booze and drugs, but my liver got worse, and I continued to self-infect myself with Hepatitis B until May 1996 when I cleared the virus through yogic breathwork and thousands spent on therapy, retreats and alternative approaches. I was one of ten on the first Human Interferon drug trial in 1982 – there was and there still is, no cure, and I received no further medication except to manage liver failure.

Everyone died on the trial except me.

All gay men under the guidance of The Royal Free and St Mary’s in Paddington were tested by American doctors, hair, blood, saliva and semen, to see if we had the mysterious virus called GRID. Gay Related Immune Deficiency. In 1984 French & American Researchers came up with the same conclusion and called it the HIV Virus. I did not have the virus and remain negative today. Having lived through one virus, why create another. Reading through the following quotes you will notice that nothing much has changed in 30 years. The only unspoken thread is that millions and millions are thrown at the AIDS Industry for an estimated 96,000+ people in the UK, when hardly anything is available from the Government for the University of Southhampton’s figure of 450,000 people in the UK living with Hep C. Poz guys who refuse to use a condom as an act of masculinity are rapidly becoming infected with Hep C, aided and abetted by the PC warriors who insist ” HIV is a manageable disease with a few pills each day “. It isn’t. This is as much a scandal as those 450,000 HepC carriers and those infected with Chronic Hep B who are left to wander in the wilderness without a day to rattle tins.

Centers For Disease Control, Atlanta, USA. 1984

Four days later, researchers from the Pasteur Institute provided Don Francis with convincing proof that their virus, LAV, caused AIDS. In October, Francis had sent the French Scientists 30 blood samples, including 10 from the San Francisco Hepatitis B cohort of gay men who had developed AIDS, 10 from gay men with lymphadenopathy, and 10 from heterosexuals not at risk for AIDS. The samples were sent blind, marked only with code numbers. The French researchers reported to Don Francis their results : positive LAV antibody tests in 20 of the samples and negative tests in 10. Francis quickly paged through his notes to compare the code numbers. The French had accurately sorted the blood of AIDS and lymphadenopathy patients from the blood of uninfected people. Francis was elated. With the cause of AIDS found, scientists could now get on with the business of controlling the spread of the epidemic and finding a vaccine.

– AND THE BAND PLAYED ON / Randy Shilts New York 1989

” First, I’d always been a little crazy, not clinically, just over-intense, compulsive, prone to a variety of erotic addictions and narcissistic mood swings – euphoria to despair in 3 seconds flat. Second, the backdrop of my breakdown – New York in the Eighties – was insane in itself. Third and most important, I was plugged into the epicenter of that insanity, working for Andy Warhol. the grand vizier of meaninglessness, and the most famous artist in the world. In the three years since I started working there, Andy had come to symbolize everything that was wrong with the world : hype and cleverness without soul, a Technicolor surface without depth, a glittering facade fashioned from fame, name and money; an inverted place where everything and everyone is reduced to an object and put on sale, where everyone has his fifteen minutes, where the serious is boring, the fluffy fabulous and behind this great mask of glamour and image, an abyss. It wasn’t always like this. For a long time, this world thrilled me. With every hoop my bosses held up, I jumped higher. New York was the big game and I adored it. I scheduled an appointment for the HIV test on March 30 1989. I was casual about it with friends, who warned me of my usual bravado “.

– SEX, DEATH, ENLIGHTENMENT / Mark Matousek

New York City 1994″ Even during the most repressive years of the AIDS crisis, a vibrant sexual playground survived in secret. The streets grew cold and scant, the neighbourhood bars thinned out, but if you knew the right someone you got taken to a place behind locked doors. Most gay men knew the right someone. The generation of gay men who have come of age in the era of AIDS are as fervent in desire as their disappearing Stonewall predecessors. In New York the night before the June 1994 Gay Pride Parade celebrating 25 years of gay liberation, the lineup of clean-cut, all -American men for a popular sex club stretched five blocks down the West Side Highway. The truth is that gay men like to have communal sex – or, as it’s called in the vulgate, orgies. Communal sex is to gay men what golf is to, well, other kinds of men: they find beauty and bonding in it. It defines the individual as part of a collective. By definition – because that is how history and social forces have conspired – “gay” is the construction of identity through sexual relations.

The origin of the modern gay community arose in the simple act of two men picking each other up “.- THE CRISIS OF DESIRE : AIDS AND THE FATE OF GAY BROTHERHOOD / Robin Hardy

London does not have any space to remember those brave souls who were struck down with AIDS. We are told that no-one dies of AIDS anymore, Cancer has always reassured the family on a Death Certificate. If no shame exists around HIV/AIDS why not proudly proclaim on the Death Certificate : Cause of Death : Aids Related Infection. Londoners have never dealt with the critical mass of collective grief over Aids, we have nowhere to ponder on the friends we lost, a space to leave notes, flowers and acknowledgement. A Collective have started a Facebook group to correct this error, please join our group.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=180686542643&ref=nf

Great Expectations

Posted on January 5, 2012 by urbanlifeclass

Setting expectations too high is societies curse, which is why government and partners fail us and media is flooded at this time of year with detox trivia, diet plans and resolutions. Don’t encourage them, be stylish – wait till February – or when you feel you want to, rather than need to just because it’s New Year. January is the time for looking back, not unplanned impulsive action. See where you have gone awry first. Take note of Dickens little orphan boy Pip in Great Expectations, “take nothing on it’s looks; take everything on evidence : there’s no better rule”.

It’s a pity that we take many things on first looks often without resort to reality, living a dream. It’s easy to be optimistically romantic in a club then discover 6 weeks later knee deep in “a relationship” that he’s psychotic, a compulsive liar or an addict. It pays to do detail sooner. Although the Pythons insisted that we look on the bright side of life, optimism is another word for denial so best if you face facts quickly, take everything on evidence and move on. Denial is an unconscious defence mechanism, which is why it’s so rampant, and therefore part of our core survival system.

None of us can survive our lives without a certain amount of denial to keep us in balance, but with denial in regards to addiction, the denial is taken to extreme and since gayers have a habit of breaking conventional bounderies, we are more prone to addiction, because we often have no boundary of when to stop and grow up. We don’t want the party, unconscious spending, cruising addiction and the chems to end – but if we don’t take stock, look back over the year, the end will come sooner than expected.

Why do people deny they need help? There are many reasons for denial in addiction. One reason is that most users don’t like to feel helpless and out of control and ironically, to observers, this is exactly what addicts are portraying. Bob Mandel of the Loving Relationship Training said ” the only guru you need are the results in your life “, but any addict or compulsive user often refuses to face facts, relying instead on the expectation that it will all end with a wave of a magic wand. It won’t. The addict will blame everything and everyone except their own substance abuse for their problems. One of the reason why chems are the lifeboat of the scene is that the chemical dependent may be using drugs or alcohol to cover up numb or unpleasant feelings and by stripping away the denial, the unpleasant feelings will come to the surface. That’s why fear of detox keeps the compulsive user using. The last few weeks will have sorted the men from the boys, top this with office parties and extra socialising in December it’s no wonder we crave a detox, a rest or show the white flag for the New Year. It’s expected now that we slow down and the majority will, but many will be living with a nightmare partner, flatmate or family member with the party still in full swing. If you are – seek help. You may not help the addict but you can stop yourself getting drawn into manipulated guilts, codependency and the false expectation they will wake up and come out of their coma of justification.

While not all substance abusers have suffered past traumas in their lives, an inordinate amount have. Child, sexual & physical abuse is common in the addicted population. For gayers add secrets, withheld emotions, homophobia and shame to the mix. But, no matter what the cause is of the denial, the important part is that the addict ( or anyone close to the addictive person ) confront the defense mechanism head on. This may be by what some addicts describe as “hitting bottom” , job loss, health scare or can come from confrontation with family, friends or through the court systems for possession or drunk driving.

Many times an addict will lose a job, friends or family relationships because of the addiction but still find enablers to supply. Denial in addiction is not a linear course, either. The addict may be in denial at some times, and facing reality at others, so addiction in denial may be fluid especially in the beginning stages of looking at themselves or in recovery. Even for those who are far along the recovery path, falling off the wagon and denial can strike at any time and will need to be overcome once again to get back on track. Linkin Park talked about confronting denial best in their song “Breaking the Habit” when they said, “I’ll paint it on the walls, ’cause I’m the one at fault” in acknowledgement that a habit is indeed a personal disease for which one needs to take responsibility in order to break free.

More people consider REHAB in January than at any other time of year but the real test of whether you are in an addictive compulsive spiral is to stop and see how far you get without your poison be it alcohol, chems, escorts, food, internet or procrastination. Expect nothing and allow yourself to feel anything, even a feeling of surrender and freedom. Bare in mind that there are more compulsive dependents than addicts, but addiction will always grab you by the balls when it goes unobserved – as any crack head or meth abuser will confirm. Best if you observe now, take stock, tell the truth to someone and seek help in the areas that control you.

It’s not about stopping the party it’s about knowing when to leave. Look at your life, check the evidence, own it and then decide what needs changing. Don’t expect someone else to do it for you.

Contact me for specialised 3 hour Coaching Sessions or other support services can be found at http://www.theswarmite.com/urban-addictions Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous have regular LGBT meetings in London – check Google for information.

Antidote in London is a free LGBT Drug & Alcohol advisory service : http://www.antidote-lgbt.com/howwecanhelp.htm

Fire in the house

Posted on September 21, 2011 by urbanlifeclass

There has been in the words of Mrs Merton, ‘a heated debate” going on, on a London based clubbing website* about police raids, arrests and licensing reviews at certain clubs. Most comments on the site agree that ‘Vauxhall village’ now represents a field hospital with music, and on top of this, Mr Plod has gone in as a mystery shopper and shopped the dealers, so anyone now entering these clubs better have clean pants on, because security gloves now scan for hidden property in intimate areas. For years the gay club scene has changed course, in style, demand and direction, mostly going East. Smaller clubs, neatly defined, individual and bold, pop up like toast in Shoreditch and Bethnal Green while Vauxhall trades on it’s past glories. Going home in a flashing blue light ‘Vauxhall taxi’, via St Thomas’s, is the G Heads accolade of a good night out, but the drug and it’s chronic users are destroying the club experience for many casual observers.

Some years back a campaign appeared in the gay media about G – KEEP G OUT OF OUR CLUBS – having seen the damage done in San Francisco & Sydney, in closing gay clubs in those cities with G abuse by Police and Institutions. Feared up by loss of revenue, London promoters left their knives at the door to come together in unity, but as austerity cuts bit into club profits I guess blind eyes to behaviour increased and the larger clubs had more to lose which is why clubs are no longer solely gay, more straight friendly to rack up the dosh. Nothing wrong with gay friendly straights, not all straights are, and in my experience homophobic straight women are on the increase. No wonder we still need to create our own safe family networks, in or out of a club. The general rub of the “heated debate” is that serial drug use has overtaken glowstick happiness, and as one poster said ” Fire & Area are linked to drugs like a horse and carriage, you don’t go from Thursday to Monday on a Red Bull & aspirin “. The Alcohol Licensing Bill of 1875 was brought in to curb the notorious gin palaces of the day and social disorder that stemmed from them. During the First World War licensing hours were introduced on command of the military, who did not want pissed soldiers with a gun in their hand. Since millennium licensing has been relaxed and like kids without reins, we have taken advantage of “continental” style habits, quite forgetting that Brits don’t drink booze from a thimble like the French, we are natural guzzlers of anything liquid in a large glass. Beer has been historically more available than tea, so call it genetic and cultural usage. Many clubbers in the 90’s dropped booze as a drug of choice and choose a pharmaceutical route, but that old genetic link remained and its underling addictive quality. Even overseas visitors says they are blown away by London club consumption of chemicals and alcohol, alarmed and feeling ostracised by behaviour.

Many commentators on the ‘debate’ website refer to the subject of personal responsibility by promoters, landlords and clientele. This is all very well coming from a comfy armchair or people who have bought £2 Million Penthouses close to the clubs in question, watching wandering wastrels scour the landscape 24/7, but the nature of the beast defies logic. Addiction in any form has been described as “the illness that tells you you haven’t got it” and the wake up call is often ignored by gathering colluders to keep the game in motion. At some point in our lives we need to check in and curb behaviour, and gay clubs should be no different. Sadly, it can take a Licensing Review, to stare reality in the face, the same as an individual losing a job, relationship or good health through using and abusing, and addiction to profit is no different. I am told that most clubs employ good medics, but I suspect that this out of fear, loss of licence, rather than respecting clientele. Remember how long it took to get tap water in clubs when E ruled the roost. It took a death to implement change. Some people wonder why clubbers refuse to take personal responsibility for themselves and others. The answer is that habits, compulsions and serial addictive behaviour are beyond intelligence. The Word Health Organisation defines addiction as an illness, not self inflicted. Some wake up and move on after a period of heavy usage, while other stay stuck on a hamsters wheel, convinced that all is well. Just ask a partner of an alcohol or drug abuser. A rock bottom is as long as you can stretch it out before it’s too late to recover, when health overrides hands in the air. In fact hands in the air, is all close friends, co-workers, family and partners can muster in frustration at blind delusion.

You may need to curb and review your own clubbing activities, lost phones, unsafe sex and drug intake at some point, remember you don’t need a rock bottom drama to change tack. A good night’s sleep, nature’s botox, and a friend to share concerns with is a good start, before searching further help. Not every user becomes an addict but heavy using can get you nowhere fast, just walking through treacle and staying stuck.

* http://www.discodamaged.com/2011/08/fire-and-area-targeted-by-local-action-teams-whos-next.html

Underground Bookshops, clubs and thinking . . .

Posted on August 26, 2011 by urbanlifeclass

Have you noticed how self help books assume you are heterosexual? Books from Waterstone’s on THE RULES, THE SECRET and Creating Perfect Adult Relationships never seem to ever have case studies or direction other than straight white. It’s how coffee used to be. No gays, no bi-curious, no swingers, no trannies and certainly no fetish. The attraction of London as a living vibrant destination is that sexuality can be observed, checked out and explored without a blink of an eyelid. The sons of Catholic Europe reside here, safe in the knowledge that they won’t bump into the priest, cousin Mary, or mother’s judging eye when it comes to exploring sexuality. Many of the gay bars and meeting places in London are staffed by East Europeans, Latinos and Orientals escaping the torment of sexually acting out in their birth country where it is still a criminal offence or a shame based notion. They have not come here to learn English, they soon realised that the only way to escape suppressed regimes was to learn English BEFORE they arrived. No point in waiting till they got here, for the net has flashed on-screen the freedoms in London, Brighton or Manchester, and the need to communicate in fluent English. Why live in Poland or Serbia and experience rejection when thanks to Easyjet they can find freedom to be themselves and who they want to be in London’s cauldron of possibilities?

When I came out in 1967 my ‘lifestyle’ was called ‘The twilight world of homosexual shame’ by tabloids and was always connected to scandal and secret double lives. Thankfully we have moved on and no longer criminals. The European Union now promotes equality but many LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender & Queer) people do not experience the equality promised in law because religion still dominates most of these European countries. Tired of being the only one in the village, it’s the same for straights interested in non- conformist lifestyles, be it Goth, seriously single or curiously metrosexual, they move on, move out and find their authentic selves. London is not the only anonymous place to explore sexuality but no city in Europe has as much volume, scope, dress code clubs, freedom to act out fetish, dress up or find a sex partner in 10 minutes on the net. London is so vast that people of any sexuality can tap in their post code on a mobile app and be sitting on someone’s sofa at the end of their road before the kettle boils. That’s Grindr for you – which brings me to this week’s theme ‘Look around, look UNDERGROUND…’

Our conscious lives are run by underground subconscious thinking and because of manners, religion and other power based doctrines, sexuality is encased underground too. As self help gurus write about the requirement for relationship, they rarely take into account underground lifestyles and yet underground – with the power of the net – is becoming more mainstream and fetish wear more acceptable. Clubs like HARD ON in London provide activity, entertainment and interaction with like minded beings and yet if participants spoke about these preferences on mainstream personal development trainings I doubt whether the trainers would know how to handle it or offer experienced direction. This is why LGBTQ personal development groups and trainings are vital. Gay male lifestyles and relationship structures are totally different from lesbian couplings – why bunk us in the same bed? Many straight couples enjoy swinging parties, dogging and explore non-conformist sex with the ferocity of gay men on chems, yet rarely do I hear anyone discuss this openly in mainstream workshops and seminars I have attended. Everyone is on best behaviour.

It’s a brave soul that mentions porn on a training course – a hundred eyes will follow you round the room. Last year I led a training weekend on Addictions in a North European Country and a man admitted to the gathering that his great addiction was masturbation. I was amazed by the guys honesty and told him so because in a room of 50 people he was one of only 6 men. Honesty is not always welcome, but he plugged most people in by mentioning the unmentionable. No one hugged him after his share. Throwing yourself into fetish clubs is an exciting way to break boundaries within yourself, your thinking and your parents’ thinking. We all do things our mates know nothing about. However while exploring limits, learn to be clear, avoid people pleasing and say NO when you mean it. GAY’S THE WORD Bookshop near Kings Cross/Russell Square has a vast stock of books on LGBTQ Sexuality and Relationship titles – it’s a good place to read up on fetish and underground ideas.

http://www.facebook.com/gaystheword

A good exercise to focus on over a 10 minute period is to dig underground and reveal to another human being or to your diary or the higher gods if you are spiritually inclined, the exact nature of your sexual desires. Check out the web, your partners’ desires or favourite fetish. It’s good to talk, then shamelessly GO FOR IT.

Don’t treat me like a child

Posted on August 24, 2011 by urbanlifeclass

Spend a few minutes thinking how many times you acted like a child in a relationship, when you couldn’t get your own way. Maybe you still act like a child in a present relationship. Adult childishness occurs in many unconscious forms, getting treated like a child by a know-all partner, making you feel like a dog when they say ” FETCH “, and patting you on the head in a patronising way, is one way. It’s OK to be trained as a pup as a fetish set-up but tiresome to be controlled by a partner to the extent you feel inadequate or trapped. When it comes to acting out control, the reality is that a person who feels victimised often needs a controller, as much as control freaks seeks out other kids to bully. Many still believe that a good relationship consists of finding a babysitter lover or substitute parent which is why protection, safety and security are high on the emotional agenda disguised as ” Love” or” Being in Love “. I know of many gay men who wait to be ‘rescued’, the low esteemers who people please in order to be loved, but when you don’t love yourself it is also difficult to receive love when it comes your way. The core of co-dependency is fear of rejection or abandonment, so it’s no surprise that many internet profile addicts gain love and acceptance from how many messages they receive in the morning before work. Fewer messages means less attention, and while an adult accepts this situation for what it is, a codependent adult in a child’s mind sees it as total rejection of self. The sexual attention we got in our twenties wanes as we age, while the need to be noticed can increase as hair recedes and bellies expand. Such is gay life. Off course we have to thank the Bear Brigade for changing these viewpoints, but not every 45 year old wants to wear a tartan shirt, a beard and go TONKER till 2am.

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Melody Beattie’s take on the subject is this –

” Codependent’s experience quite a few intense emotions about current events that are not mature adult feelings but stem from other sources. For example, a codependent may easily pick up and carry feelings for others taking on board misguided responsibility. Codependents are also prone to harbour feelings picked up during childhood from parents and to project them onto others in adult life. In addition, codependents can quickly sink into a child ego state when current events trigger a child feeling reality that was not sufficiently dealt with during childhood. When we sink into the child ego state, we feel small, vulnerable, and often defensive. Even in recovery, however, these old feelings will continue to come up to a certain degree. The difference is that when they do come up, you can unload them with a therapist/counsellor or aftercare support or with friends who are mature enough to listen to them. This will prevent you from using these strong feelings from childhood to create intensity within your relationships. “

Recovery from codependent patterning means responding to your partner or situation, rather than re-acting or reacting like a child who can’t get their own way. This reaction seldom works long term in a relationship, because the partners mind and mouth clam up as an act of survival, in much the same way that a mother reacts to a crying child night and day. She switches off until she can’t stand anymore. Constant nagging of a partner just takes them back to childhood, to those previous times of emotional silence when they felt helpless, victimised and controlled. When one partner is in recovery from Love Addiction and the other is not, a re-written script gets acted out when patterns change and reality is faced. Partners often refrain from adhering to the new regime because it means growing up and taking responsibility for themselves, which defeats the object of the exercise in starting the relationship in the first place. This is why it takes courage to change. Just because you may be excited about a new way of thinking, working and expressing yourself, others may not, but the reality is that when WE make a stand of change others are challenged to follow. Without this level of challenge we dig deeper into our own emotional graves – and stay there.

mygaytherapist

ONLINE Relationship Coaching, Codependency & Addiction Recovery. Zone 1 London – F2F Somatic Rebirthing Breathwork. " The ultimate expert in this field " QX Magazine . . . . . . . " Clubland's Therapist " Time Out LONDON.

Author Archives: urbanlifeclass