Liberace & the chauffeur, lover, companion and captive.

Posted on June 4, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

Following on from last weeks blog post ‘Who works who, in a relationship?’, the new Liberace film ‘Behind The Candelabra’ on TV HBO, and selected cinema release in the UK from June 14th, is a true story of puppet and puppet master. Rave reviews, like shiny sequins, not only from Cannes Film Festival, but 4 or 5 star UK newspaper reviews, have propelled interest to Las Vegas heights with many stating it’s Douglas’s finest performance to date, while Damon exceeds all expectations in this glittery tale of control & dysfunction.

Scott Thorson had already had a relationship with a Hollywood mogul before Liberace found him at 17, then making him his personal assistant, chauffeur, lover, companion and captive. Liberace saw Scott as the son he never had, and foster-cared Thorson jumped at the chance of stability, attention and a vision of love. Scott says he is not gay, and although a physical relationship developed within the relationship, it took a while. He said on ‘The Larry King Show’ in 2002, that “I pleased him. He once told me, he said, “Scott,” he says, “you have the most important job in my organization,” he says, “and that is to keep me happy and please me.” OK? Remember, Larry, I was a child. I was in foster homes. And then all of a sudden, boom, all this wealth, all this fame, you know. So I did whatever I had to do”.

This spectacle of codependent need, greed & manipulations on both sides, echoes a thread within some male same sex relationships, that of social and financial disparity. It can also affect heterosexual couplings but lesser so, as heterosexuals are much more ring fenced when it comes to friends and relationships. For starters, a huge amount of relationships are conceived in the workplace, not much chance of that happening if you favour men. Gay men are much more led by physical attraction, ask questions later, and have a higher propensity to batter down class, social and financial barriers, in seeking friends, lovers and sexual companionship. In fact one of joys of being gay is wallowing in different backgrounds, educations and multi-cultaral diversity with ease and ample opportunity.

The film illustrates the complexity of this ‘can’t leave, can’t stay’ relationship model, so you can imagine perhaps, how Thorson hustled and pleased Lee ( Lee Liberace, Mr Showmanship and other names he used ) without taking responsibility for the fact he stayed. In fact he had got used to the perks.

A friend once suggested that the gay scene is like a wedding cake tier. We start at the bottom, with little sense of personal style and esteem. Then we realise the value of our own currency, discovering that youth like cash, is king. Or queen in this case. Like Thorson, partying, pouting and pleasing, we love the adoration, fawning and a new sense of self, meeting and using new allies on our journey. Perhaps at some point, a well educated middle class male hook-up, probably older, takes the role of guiding father and lifts us up 2 or 3 tiers, in one swoop, to a new social circle, where drugs are offered instead of After Eight mints after dinner.

Then invitations arrive to holiday, to accept gifts, to revel in the new illuminating lifestyle. It’s easy to get used to the clubs, the drugs, the bashed out credit cards to keep up and then suddenly you’re dropped. Not only are you left with the CC bills, but since all those friends on the Class A tier are ‘his’ friends, you also discover what an illusion it all is, and drop down 2 tiers to where you started, blighted and sore. Not every relationship forms this model but many big urban city boys will nod in agreement, passed around like pass the parcel at a party, looking for the next rescuer, dealer, lover. Thorson sadly, ended up a junkie, at least you don’t have to.

The solution in avoiding this guest list lifestyle, or to make it work better for you, is to speed bump. Not a drug cocktail that gathers speed, but more like the ridge in the road allowing you to slow down. It is this quest of stopping, checking, learning and saying NO more often that creates emotional balance in the individual and a relationship.

When you can’t afford something, a restaurant meal or a cocktail bar round on your salary, say so. Many couplings with financial disparity do work because they are worked on, with frequent honesty, emotional checkin and less emotional blackmail. Relationships can get lazy when things are offered beyond your personal reach, like exotic holidays, high fashion spends and bling. Like a Dad spending loads of time at work and buying his children gifts, what the kids really want is something that costs little – time & communication – the recipe of love.

Go see the film, see what, how and where it resonates in your memory bank. Look for the similarities not the differences. When youth fades what do you trade? Are you the controller or victim? The Puppet master or puppet, and how many times have you flipped roles? Interesting.

Who controls who in a relationship?

Posted on May 30, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

Finding your own voice is an acquired art, it takes practice and tenacity to avoid codependent patterning. Most of us feel controlled by someone or some thing, at any one time, but how you respond to these situations, especially in an emotional partnership, determines which side of the functional / dysfunctional fence you sit on. Is your voice just an echo of a parent, partner or co-worker?

Maybe it’s been lost down the mineshaft of memory, as you’ve learn’t not to rock the boat? Do you speak up and get shouted down, or still remain silent just to keep the peace? Perhaps, as a controller, you drown out others needs by demanding your own get dealt with first? In short, who has their hand up you, organising your life? It could be a companion called fear.

Those who complain they are controlled by a person, place, or thing, often fear finding a voice and action to administer change, while those who indeed control others and try to control aspects of life, fear losing ‘being in command’ and appearing weak. Both suffer from the same malady : fear of change and being out of control. When in fact the feared experience of being out of control, when acted out, actually transforms the sluggish status quo.

Both of these types, the controller and the controlled, (often called a victim), fit together like a dovetail joint, that can only be pulled apart sideways. Trying pulling the joint out any other way and it remains locked. Many relationships stay like this for years, one controlling the voice of the other. The majority refer to it as love. It’s isn’t. As the writer Chuck Spezzano put it ‘If it hurts, it isn’t love’. It’s all about control.

As a relationship becomes lazy, these seeds of domestic abuse in gay relationships, verbalised put downs, financial inequality and scarce sexual intimacy, breeds a dialogue as unfunny as the current new ‘gay sitcom’ VICIOUS on UK TV. Two high grade knighted actors, who happen to be gay themselves, Sir Ian McKellen & Sir Derek Jacobi, play low grade stereotypical queers in a 40+ year codependant relationship.

Love and respect appears in short supply, while oneupmanship is a competitive olympic sport between them. Reviews have been mixed to say the least, with the gay community most vitriolic toward it’s outdated execution and positioning of current male gay relationships. Yes, people have noted, we know old queens that bicker like that, with framed theatrical posters everywhere and lights dimmed, but what they don’t mention is that many of these relationships, just like longtime heterosexual ones, are often held together with the glue of entrapment, emotional survival and fear of change, with low esteem the price paid for security on all fronts.

With the benefit of viewing these kind of relationships, plus maybe our parents too, we witness what we no longer wish to follow, so some good can come out of these observations. Controlling relationships serve no one in the end, even to those who observe them, as after a while it becomes tedious to watch.

Younger 21st century gay men, with the advent of therapy and personal development, not available to older gay men growing up except to ‘change their sexuality’, can create healthier options in relationships, like finding a voice and sticking with it. If a partner appears controlling and abusive while dating, leave him, don’t wait around for ‘love’ to solve it. It doesn’t. What takes it’s place is an illusion of love called ‘codependent fear-base bonding’, those ‘can’t leave, can’t stay relationships’ where voices get raised and no one listens.

Like Lady Di said in that famous interview ” There are three of us in this marriage’. Fear can be a third party in any social or emotional interaction, including gay marriage, so avoid inviting this emotion into your liaisons by being clear from the very start, state your needs, avoid ‘people pleasing’ to keep the man, avoid remaining silent because ‘that’s what I always do’. Learn to vent your feelings appropriately and if they get trodden on, move on yourself. Healthier dating and relationships are out there, it’s just a question of tenacity of search and loving yourself enough to say NO more often to the type you usually attract, that no longer works for you. Just like ventriloquism, it’s just a question of continued practice of putting your hand up more often. Easy.

Dive away from social anxiety.

Posted on May 25, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

A major gripe I keep hearing is that online dates don’t turn up for face-to-face dates, as if the thrust of the flirty dirty chase is enough, the reality of actually meeting breaks the illusion. One aspect of ‘love & sex addiction’ is the romantic, trail of seduction, that is more important than the capture or physical orgasm, it’s a bit like chinese plate spinning – will the plate fall? The tension keeping that plate spinning is like an immediate amyl high, or a diver about to jump, but another reason for not turning up on the doorstep has nothing to do with ‘love & sex addiction’, but more to do with social phobia.

Social phobia is the hidden topic people are too shy to talk about. The tight topped media image of the tweeting generation gay male can offer the impression that confidence is as big as our pecs, when in reality many have discovered never to grab a gym bunny by the love handles, it’s a no-go area. It’s easy to shrug off a few stone compared to a life times history of bullying, emotional editing and fear of rejection, but the stain remains. This is because many who go to the gym, first went to the gym to feel ‘good enough’, they didn’t arrive with class A social skills or a divers waist like Tom Daley, some were the fat shy gay at school, and the memory lingers.

It’s a generalisation, but if truth be told, a mixture of body dysphoria coupled with shyness is rammed into the gym bag for quite a while until results materialise. In my own case I was very short in height, smaller than Harry Potter, with bright ginger hair at school, so aside from the hidden desire to see cocks in the showers I always knew I wasn’t ‘one of the lads’, the one that fitted in. Yup, a ginger homo was an easy target in my teenage years, oh and I stammered as well, plus a nervous squint to boot, so I used humour and a pretend thick skin in order to survive. No wonder I turned into a drunk. So you can imagine what it’s like if you act out or look like the contra-image of men in gay media. Having said that, even the handsomest of men stumble when it comes to social interaction.

Social anxiety or social phobia is not a one size fits all condition, it stretches from butterflies in the stomach to agoraphobia, with all manner of hesitations and emotional paralysis in between. It’s amazing how many people have negative unconscious thoughts like ‘It’s not safe to be seen’ ‘I prefer to be backstage, invisible’ or ‘ I am already imperfect, don’t judge me’. With Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy, many escape from this trap but sadly, often leave this condition for years thinking ‘It’s just the way I am’.

It’s not, it’s a cover-up. Becoming a champion diver takes discipline and getting back into the water after a belly flop is the key in attaining a goal. When you naturally take to the water, granted it’s easier, but those who dive with hesitation just need to try harder and more often, and so it is with social phobic solutions. Susan Jeffers book ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway’ published in 1987 still holds court as one of the best self help books for those with social anxiety, in her book she says ‘ You might already have been asking yourself, “Why should I put myself through all the discomfort that comes with taking risks? Why don’t I just go on living my life the way I’ve been living it?. You may find my answer surprising. It is : Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying circumstances that come from a feeling of helplessness “. She also adds wisely “the bigger your life, the smaller the fear”.

Expanding your life, means expanding social opportunities, so in reality ‘getting out more’ is the way forward, regardless of how you feel. Experience always develops with ACTION, not theory. Perfection in a craft, as Tom will tell you, is not a given, it’s a hard task master, but ironically once you drop the idea of ‘imperfection’ the results deliver perfection because progress, not expection & projection is the ideal, and progression from helplessness is mastery in itself. So next time you set yourself up for a date, then set yourself up as ‘not good enough’, ignore the voices in your head, turn up and dive in.

You never know, the likes of Mr Daley might be on the other end.

Tell the truth faster

Posted on May 19, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

Following on from a past blog on Lazy Dating it makes sense to learn to be authentically yourself, not perform for other people’s needs. Gays have got used to ‘editing’ for years, to protect themselves and others, but telling the truth faster reaps rewards, especially in higher esteem and successful relationships. Way before Brokeback Mountain hit our screens, when Madonna divorced Sean Penn, and ‘Like A Prayer’ was upsetting The Pope, I was mid-drift in a three year Relationship Training Programme to be a Relationship Coach, all before Life Coaching, Rehab and botox became celebrity badges of honour.

So there I was in a room of over 150 participants in a smart hotel, queuing up for the microphone to state my relationship status, in front of all concerned. Hours passed, tears were shred as heterosexual after heterosexual stumbled onto the stage in various tones of voice. Some confidently booming out “I am happily married in a successful relationship,” shy sharers whispered “I’m not in a relationship at the moment,” while “it’s complicated,” or “I’ve never had one” superseded “I’m in a relationship and can’t get out of it.” Identifying sighs and nodding heads rippled the room at that last one.

Over 50 people had gone up to declare and share, but not one gay man, no lesbian or bisexual had opened their soul so far, as my entry to the stage got shorter and shorter. Then I blurted out “I am an out gay man looking for an out gay man for a relationship.” I thought the floor was going to open up.

I still remember the silence and my pulsing vulnerable heart. This prompted me later to re-consider how OUT I really was, where I was out and how I approached always being the odd one out, the token, the ‘brave one.’ I always dreaded those personal development workshops, back then, when you were the ‘only gay in the seminar’ and some grey-haired pony tail wearing hippie would embrace me and say “I’m bisexual – I understand man.” At which point I would perform a verbal diatribe starting with: “No. You don’t.” This was way before the internet and *bi-curious, men who have sex with men, hard-up str8 boys and gay for pay porn sites,* so forgive my snarling, it was a difficult sexual climate when all around were dying of AIDS and you were either gay or you weren’t in the public imagination. Thankfully we have moved on beyond this stereotype.

So when it came to ‘being OUT,’ it was suggested I did some written work on relationships starting with family, friends, neighbours, and work colleagues. Did I act differently with different people, who did I edit conversation with, and what situations made me feel inadequate? How was my social life divided up into genders and sexualities? Is there balance?

Soon I discovered that I skirted round ‘relationship stuff’ within my practitioner training as having a ‘Loving Relationship’ was the goal. In rooms of heterosexuals I clammed up over late night cruising in darkrooms and parklands totally enjoying group sex, voyeuristic sex and quick sex which appeared to be the opposite to what most people were seeking.

Gratefully I was encouraged by the trainers to share how I felt more spiritually connected in a darkroom than a church, more aware of my sexuality on an open heath at midnight than being coupled at that time. I was taught over those training years that authenticity was more valuable than performance, that truth was more essential than editing, that everything changes over time and that finding your voice instead of people pleasing, heals codependency. Our lives are constantly up for review, but the most important path to follow is one of authenticity, truth and love. The relationship you have with yourself is the first relationship to seek, to understand, because you can’t give away what you haven’t got.

I suggest you find a few moments to OUT yourself to yourself, to own up where you stumble, where you fake it, where you just about make it, to write a few things down. Telling the truth faster to yourself never fails in my book.

Who could ever forget Ennis fingering the deceased Jack Twist’s flannel shirt in that bare room, remembering Brokeback and what might have been, if courage had been a true companion. Sadly, many countries today are like 60s America, suppressed and unsafe for gay men to be authentic in front of others, but a film like Brokeback may have lifted their hearts and encouraged authenticity in themselves, to be truthful whatever they deem their sexuality to be. I hope so.

To finish, here is a list of Brokeback Mountain quotes that stirred my soul for you to savour.

Same Sex Monogamy

Posted on May 19, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

Since the subject of gay marriage is top of the list right now, it feels right to tackle the subject of monogamy, commitment and expectations. Most gay men I know support gay marriage from the position of equality rather than their own desire to be legally bound, but the dream of ‘settling down’ still resonates through every gay meeting place and dating site.

Our heterosexual friends have proved that monogamy is not for everyone, many have informed us that marriage is not what it’s made out to be in this form of committed capture, and the idea that love conquers everything, is now obsolete. Take two examples I have come across; the sex addict who thinks a relationship will stop his ‘acting out”, in the same way that a wife is often seen as ‘taming’ her newly acquired husband from his seed sowing activities, and the codependant who ‘needs’ a relationship in order to feel complete and wanted, whilst avoiding the fear of abandonment.

In my Relationship Coach Training the phrase that stood out like a fey gay at school is that ‘ Love brings up everything unlike itself for the purpose of healing’. This means that everything you buried like abandonment, low esteem, guilt, control and fear of rejection, simmers likes a slow cooker beneath the ritual of coupling, so a committed relationship gives you the chance to see what defects of character hold court. Many who have taken the route of commitment take an ‘open relationship route’ once an emotional baseline is held which, in my practice experience, is not always the answer to sexual needs and emotional functioning.

A relationship that lasts, needs honesty from the beginning, when initial boundaries are created, so future changes can progress with equal honesty, so going straight into an ‘open relationship’ from the beginning is ill-advised as one partner often agrees in order to capture the boyfriend, people pleasing their way into emotional suppression. The idea sounds great, but without honest boundaries at any point, a car crash looms. A frequently reviewed and discussed ‘open relationship’ is one that is more likely to reap rewards and is one that has had a period of monogamy to act as foundation.

Michael Shelton author of ‘BOY CRAZY’ – Why Monogamy Is So Hard for Gay Men and What You Can Do About It, writes ‘ Though there are many variations in the ground rules for sexual activity in relationships, they are still variations of just a few core themes. A couple may opt for mutual celibacy, to remain monogamous for the duration of the relationship, choose some form of open relationship, or have occasional or even frequent covert sexual activity outside the parameters of their established relationship. None of these decisions is written in stone, and they can and often do damage, particularly in an environment that places so much importance on sexual satisfaction ‘.

The sex addict thinks that aquirring a monogamous relationship will kill the natural urge to shop around, it doesn’t, nor does it reduce the desire for approval addiction. The solution to this conundrum is loving yourself more, warts and all, so you lovingly approve of yourself without the need for others to give you a 5* review. This is how I healed my own sex addictions, compulsions, codependencies and negating habits. It may work for you too.

Self awareness, recovery and liking more of yourself is also the path to those addicted to relationships, the serial relationship seekers who don’t take breath in between one ending and finding another so quickly. We know who they are, their Facebook status’s that bounce ‘in a relationship’ every few months, give us the opportunity to raise eyebrows in their speed and dedication to not being alone. Many self-help books on gay relationships often discourage open relationships, whilst encouraging commitment to monogamy, yet in my experience of viewing client relationships over 2 decades, the best commitment you can make in a relationship is to be honest ‘at all times’.

Honesty and clear communication is the best wedding present to give yourselves. Some spiritually based readers like myself, don’t believe in the concept of ownership, romantic fantasy or capture. Interdependent relationships, with a ring on it or not, recognise that change is inevitable over time, that everything is temporary, including feelings, and that guilt shame and fear holds no purpose except to hold you to ransom, kidnapped by the fear of abandonment.

I found BOY CRAZY to be a trusted tome on relationship education, without judgement of choices, one way or another and suggest you give it a try. Think of all the study books you have read to acquire a career, yet how few you have read to acquire peace of mind and relationship satisfaction. In London it’s available from GAY’S THE WORD bookshop http://www.qype.co.uk/place/1686329-Gays-the-Word-Bookshop-London or the usual online book sites worldwide.

Lazy Dating

Posted on May 13, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

Don’t be afraid to show your true colours. The ultimate in lazy dating starts with what I call ‘profile paralysis’, the art of having nothing to say, but it just can’t be closet voyeurs that have nothing on their profile but ‘Hi’ and ‘just ask’. Sadly this epidemic of shyness, affecting all age groups, is now as ubiquitous as a kitten pic update on social media. Way before the internet, gays found dating heaven in the classifieds of magazines and gay papers, but if you were looking for speciality sex, olympic sex or even someone to settle down with, the ads all read the same rhythm : tediously boring. TIME OUT London’s listing weekly magazine was one of the first to list ‘men for men’ classified ads in the 1970’s, but had to add ‘over 21’ in the header to comply with the law relating to Age of Consent. This sparked a continuous trend until the mid nineties when LOOT a ‘find anything you want to buy or sell’ newspaper had specific sections for sexual activity, including introducing us to the word ‘bi-curious’, and at the same time gay writer Mark Simpson coined the phrase of the decade : ‘metrosexual’. Now you would think that all these tribal divisions of sexual play amongst gay men would create imaginative, stimulating prose. Far from it.

The straight ads for opposite sex hook-ups were by comparison witty, informative and amusing. The gay section in the same media read like a shopping list of desires ending with no fats, no fems. So much for the myth that gays can gentrify any area by moving in. Maybe this stems from man-to-man anonymous sex founded on sexual attraction first, ask questions later, while straight dating at least has the formality of asking a name before they unzip. Mind you I can understand that if you happen to be partaking in rough sex, a name or even a voice is off-putting.

I could never understand how you could screw up a presentation of yourself in 30 classified words, but some years later I led a seminar on Dating for Gay Men, and discovered that given the opportunity to write a biography of themselves in 70 words most just sat there chewing a pencil or gurning gum until inspiration interrupted the endless void. Most never made even 30 words to describe themselves. Try it.

What I did discover was that in ‘profile paralysis’ they used words or phrases that other’s used, no innovation, and on discussion it appeared that this was part of a sense of belonging and avoiding rejection by remaining minimal, so most writings consisted of what they thought people wanted rather than who they really were, and who they really were, was not good enough. The reality is that people are looking for uniqueness, good or bad. Quentin Crisp once said that defects of character were a bonus, stating that when friends said ‘ the trouble with you is . . ‘ remained the most interesting aspect of their personality. The situation we find ourselves in now is easier smartphone hook-ups where there is just about every fetish available online, including fats and fems so denigrated in previous decades, who have come into their own. Big boys, Ladyboys and experimenting straight boys who need direction and attention, all hold a place of dating opportunity.

So get busy and check out your own GuySpy profile and market yourself with gusto. Has it got tired? Has no one asked? Maybe it’s less than 30 words? Try adding a few quirks, queer hobbies or even a few defects, after all these things make up a well rounded character. Lazy words creates lazy dating & profile paralysis creates stuck energy, so ruffle through a dictionary and make readers think, instead of stare then click over, amuse them with flair and constantly review your pics, especially the old iPhone self shots in the bathroom. It’s over, they are everywhere, and that one when you looked HOT 4 years ago with a tan and now you look like a boiled hot dog in too tight pants, is not the best way to demand ‘no bullshitters or dishonest types’. Look in the mirror.

Do the pics match what you see?

Oh . . . and your real age would be a good beginning too. If dating turns into a relationship, trust is already soured, so remember – truth and individuality wins out!

Queer Happiness

Posted on April 25, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

” You don’t know the meaning of true happiness until you hear 30,000 Gay Men recognise the opening bars of Dancing Queen “, so wrote a str8 journalist for the London Evening Standard, reporting on the Opening Ceremony of the GAY GAMES in Amsterdam in 1998. You can imagine the rush, the sense of belonging, the HAPPINESS in those brief riff seconds of connection. Clubland, Disco and secret nightclubs have always been our haven. The chance to be ourselves, to be authentic, to be free, to be queerly relaxing with our own kind. Dancing Queen by Abba certainly captured the essence of underground popper sexuality, way before ‘hands in the air’ circuit party chems, became the norm.

Some of us recall the re-emergence of the word ‘Queer’ in mid-AIDS politics in the early 90’s, the snatching back of a mid-twentieth century term of attack. Now post-millennium the word QUEER has a changed yet again into a term embracing all sexualities and genders, indicating alternative, creative and avant grade. I was called ‘a queer’ at school, or an ‘OMO’ so I was queer before ‘gay’ became commonplace and ironically both words mean ‘happy’. One of the things I hear time and time again from gay men is ” I don’t fit in”. They answer to that is ‘you don’t need to, in order to be happy’.

In the UK, the hot TV programme mid-nineties was ‘Queer as Folk’ a radical, tell it like it is, drama series. In Northern England, they still say ” there’s nowt as queer as folk”, as they did the previous century, because the word queer meant ‘odd, unconventional or eccentric’. At the same time as this trailblazing show, I was knee deep in a new book by Dr David Weeks and Jamie James, the first scientific study of eccentric behaviour called ECCENTRICS. The conclusion of this study was that odd ‘queer’ people were the happiest people on earth because they didn’t care what people thought. No shame, no fitting in and certainly no people-pleasing. We have a lot to learn from them. At the last chapter I switched from seeing my queer sensibility as an asset, not a cross to bear as an outcast. I was particularly taken with Ann Atkin from Devon England who not only had 7,500 gnomes in her garden, but dressed as one on a daily basis. She was as happy as Larry, supermarket shopping with red cheeks and a pointy hat. Good for her! Dr Weeks concluded that eccentrics were nonconforming, creative, idealistic, aware from early childhood that they were different, intelligent, and in possession of a mischievous sense of humour. Well as I ticked all the boxes, I went from queer to eccentric and back to queer, I saw it as the same in the end. Living queer without performance breeds happiness.

Armed with bravery and my new eccentric weapon of freedom I could be whoever I wanted to be. From that point to now I recognised my eccentricity as vital, my different-ness, and my somewhat rebellious lack of desire to fit in as an asset. Masculine fashions change anyway. The streets of East London particularly, are paved with the ‘new queers’, inked skinny bitches who refuse the mantle of porn masculinity preferring instead the odd, the punk and the scruff. Funny how these guys will be cloned into the norm sooner or later before the next batch of queer look appears. Happiness, and the experience of it, is relative, and as diverse as our LGBTQ community. It is no companion to shame or apology, for accepting who are, results in a happier disposition. Coming out as queer, eccentric, gay, bi or whatever word you use, also means being as brave as Ann Atkin in her pointy hat, in cultures, communities,and churches. It’s a brave but essential road to walk, but remember those liberating queers that walked before you, respectful head held high, learn from that. Gay marriage is not for all, or even being in a relationship for that matter, but real happiness, queer or not is being content with what you HAVE got, rather than what you haven’t. Truth, authenticity and loving yourself exactly as you are, is a great boyfriend to be happy with. Do you walk this road?

__________________________________________________________________________

Checking out queer films I came across this blog of listed queer films, if queer history interests you. At the time of Abba, men cruised the streets, not on-line, and when the concept of AIDS was sci-fi we used instinct, not profiles. I was particularly impressed with his opening quote ” I’m bored and depressed with today’s gay image of marriage, adopted babies and content bourgeoise living. Blandly masculine, domestic and inoffensive is the new gay stereotype and I can’t relate anymore. This list is a tribute to tough queer thugs with switchblades, bisexual hustlers, sissy villains, killer drag queens and true outcasts, films that got me through my years as a sexually confused teen. I’ve also included some (occasionally offensive) homo horror for the hell of it “.

http://mubi.com/lists/faggots-switchblades

this blog first appeared on my regular RELATIONSHIP GUYD column on http://guyspy.com

Creating Bounderies

Posted on March 25, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

Compulsive behaviour is not only about sex, chems and the internet, it’s also about losing yourself obsessively in another person, a relationship or the workplace. Codependency, the core of all destructive behaviors, has many differing explanations – here’s one by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse of Nurturing Networks in Ohio USA, she wrote this in 1988 and it still stands today. “Co-dependency is a dis-ease. It is a specific condition characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence on another person ( emotionally, socially and sometimes physically ), or on a substance ( such as alcohol, drugs, nicotine and sugar ), or on a behavior ( such as workaholicism, gambling, compulsive sexual acting out). This dependence, nurtured over a long period of time, becomes a pathological condition that effects the co-dependent IN ALL OTHER RELATIONSHIPS. “

I put the last bit in caps because extreme dependency on anything, will effect up to 20 people in your life, like a ripple in a pond. Often seen as a caring persons malady, in the early 80’s the Codependent was described by treatment centres as the partner, friend, employer or family member who ” cared too much ” spending time and energy trying to change the addict, gambler, sex addict, alcoholic, etc’s behaviour. By rescuing ” too much ” they enabled the user to continue the acting out and lost themselves in the process so when the addict etc recovered and got well, the people who tried to help were not always as pleased. Instead they often became resentful, like a mother seeing her kids leave home, losing her identity. Many gay men experience this in relationships, constantly rescuing, parenting and babysitting someone who is not ready to listen, grow up or refuse to see the damage to body, purse and mind. Codependents often pick up the pieces, silently, in order not to rock the boat.

The propensity to act out codependently is within all of us, so don’t think it’s just about people in dysfunctional relationships. Everyone acts out fear, control and modes of survival, so you don’t have to have a drunk partner to rescue to escape this emotional distress. It’s a complex subject but I believe that if each person concentrated on giving themselves as much love, concern and focus to themselves as they do to others, the world would spin on its high energy axis. Suddenly people would learn to parent themselves as well as assisting others to do the same. This is the balanced way of living. A solution to codependency or the addiction of attachment is the understanding of boundaries and what I call speed-bumping. No not up the nose, you understand, but a slowing down of compulsive behaviour. Here is an example. You’re waiting for your flight and you find the retail area – within 10 mins you have bought 6 items to pass the time and fell good about this temporary fix. Others sit with a laptop or smartphone and download in exactly the same manner, when there is no reason to. It’a a habit. We have not been trained to sit with ourselves and do nothing, so we become dependent ( co-dependent ) on something outside of ourselves to make us feel complete. Some make themselves over-responsible for those around them, while others become human ambulances whenever they are needed. You know who they are.

Learning to slow down, examine and say NO more often are the golden rules in establishing boundaries. If you are a people pleaser this will be difficult, however it is essential in maintaining healthier relationships with lovers, friends, dates, family and co-workers. Esteem is raised when you learn to say No without malice, when you learn to respond gently rather than react, and the result breeds healthy separations. Consider where you could put bounderies up and ask yourself what ‘normal living’ is for you. Learn to speedbump each day, be conscious of each action you make, slow down and refind yourself. Spend at least 2 night in alone, if you can, even in a present relationship and allow it to breathe. DO NOT spend every night with your BF in the first 3 months and for gods sake STOP TEXTING 30 times a day to each other. Ask yourself why you do that? Is it insecurity, control or is just automatic with no purpose. If you do have a partner who is heavily addicted seek help for yourself not him. Experience has proved that once you stop playing the game by doing the opposite to what you normally do, games change.

This blog appeared last week on http:// guyspy.com where I am RELATIONSHIP GUYD.

Changing Habits

Posted on March 18, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

As we enter ‘Mad March’ you may want to check out how well you did in changing habits for the New Year. Is it Hallalulah! or best not think about it? Likely to be the latter then.

Making ‘changes’ needs preparation and prepping takes time. The lust for instant gratification can rule our roost in search for sex, companionship and a sense of belonging, so it’s easy to dump a plan, like a spoilt child, just because you can’t see progress straight away. Through illness mainly, I have been forced to change habits and half the time I protested. By the time I was 40 I had given up alcohol, recreational drugs and nicotine for 5 years, the truth of the matter being that alcohol particularly, had given up on me, not me giving it up, and I had been on a veggie diet for 5 years to sustain a screwed up chronic active hepatitis B liver that was getting worse through auto infection. Then doctors told me caffeine was next. The last straw indeed. So I protested, like a spoilt child, gave it a go but then discovered and proved that a double macchiato, did no more damage to a cirrhosed liver and made me happier than living without. Soon the vegan, veggie bit went, the crazy diets went but abstention from demon drink and chems have stayed till this day of writing.

In my experience ‘projection’ will kill your spirit. The story, growth and lesson is in the journey, not the destination, and the relationship you have with your mindset has greater value than someone swinging off your arm. Once you learn to check-in with yourself and delete more quickly what you don’t need, you are likely to find healthier relationships appear more easily. So if you change anything, start with changing from ‘wants’ to ‘needs’. You may want another boyfriend but do you need one right now? Maybe working a bit on yourself, your attitude and your projections will suffice for now until you are really clear. How about dating, sexually exploring and NOT seeking a relationship until you decide you are emotionally intelligent enough to sustain one. Projected romance is another killer. If meeting someone on-line and projecting wedding bells within 2 weeks always gets you into trouble then best if you recognise it doesn’t work anymore. Trying to make something work, rather than allowing time to do it’s work, is a great habit to change. This codependent concept of ‘time running out’ only creates bad choices, self punishment and fear of abandonment so wise up, play the field but remain playful. A spoilt child always demands, while a happier child remains in the moment, engrossed in the process of waiting not wanting.

So if you realise that those New Year Resolutions you made so avidly in January are now used as a thrashing tool, don’t give up, you can always rescue a plan. In fact it’s easier than rescuing a man, that always leads to trouble. Maybe that IS one of your habits : to find the waif, the stray, the vulnerable to ‘help’, to parent, to babysit. The real habit here is the desire to be in charge, in control, in power and will often bite you back. This element of codependency is common in same sex relationships and the solution is learning to flip emotionally, from power top to power bottom. Many men will choose a boyfriend who can’t ‘give back’ emotionally then complain that their ‘needs’ aren’t being met. Maybe the change here is that he doesn’t have the skills because you have enabled him not to employ them. Ongoing intimacy occurs when you can afford to be as vulnerable as your partner, or your friends without feeling you are no longer in charge.

Writing a list of habits you want to change, even one’s you think you have failed on, is the first step to getting back on track.

*This blog of mine first appeared at guyspy.com where I am RELATIONSHIP GUYD.

Changing Bonds

Posted on March 11, 2013 by urbanlifeclass

When asked to play the challenging role of James Bond, Daniel Craig said; “It’s not like I was trying to be sexy, but I had to get fit so I was able to do stunts. Also I wanted that, if Bond took his clothes off, he looked like a man who did what he did. I thought the only way to do that was to get fit and buff and physically into shape.” So Craig made changes to the character becoming the first hetero ‘Muscle Mary’ Bond, good in a tux but more thrilling than Ursula Andress rising from the surf.

Watching people transforming lives on film or TV makes better drama than transforming our own, which is why the ‘idea’ of transformation is so infectious. We discover that voyeurism is much easier than taking part, and taking part takes effort, but before transformation takes place we need to observe our own ideas about ‘CHANGE.’ You will be surprised how many people fear the concept. Best to stay put and feel safe and familiar. If your partner, roommate or friend is constantly abusive, a heavy drinker or chem-messy, something unfamiliar like change maybe even scarier. At least with abuse you have survived it, but change? – not sure I can handle that, some may say. When change of circumstance is forced upon us, it’s easy to become defensive of change, as if we have no control, so feelings of helplessness occur. The secret to administer change in your life, is changing the way you think or perceive situations to be.Your relationship with fear is the key to transformation, and Craig’s no nonsense pragmatic approach, toward successful stunt work, provides a body map for success. When I think of all the major changes in my life I have had to endure, in order to learn peace of mind and the release of fear, I see that my vision is constantly moving, swaying and deciding. That’s the benefit of maturity. So I now welcome change and constantly transform myself with ease. It just takes practice.

So the TV genre of interior decoration, selling houses, and transforming reality TV shows are just a taster of what change can bring, but when you do the detail, you will notice one thing: they are not doing it by themselves, they seek help along the way, just as I did. What would be more interesting and productive would be to have TV lifestyle programmes showing us how to lead healthier lives ‘inside us’ rather than the attachments we accrue ‘outside us’ for contentment. It’s true that we need expert guidance and support to tackle new pastures and for the continued maintenance of change, but in the end it’s wise to do it for ourselves, not for someone else or to save a relationship. Making yourself more attractive to you is the true power of attraction.

In Psychologies Magazine, the Brit comedian David Baddiel talked about being in therapy and how it had attributed to his success and why in Europe people readily sneer at soul searching while no one sneers at hiring a Personal Trainer to reshape the body. This may go someway to you realising that what you see is not what you get when it comes to dating, but remember one thing: you don’t have to be a Muscle Mary or James Bond to ‘work-out from the inside.’ Holding a decent conversation when you don’t think you look your best, can mean holding onto your man, more than the quest for perfection or the taint of lust. Facing fear, like Daniel Craig doing Bond stunt work, means you learn to trust more – that’s the REAL transformation, and where the hard workout begins.

Best if you start writing that FEAR LIST now and JUMP!

This blog first appeared in my regular column at http://www.guyspy.com where I am the RELATIONSHIP GUYD.

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