Category Archives: Relationships

Family Christmas

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c_xmasMany gayers will be going home for Christmas only to discover the reason why they left. It can’t be the telly on non-stop, though it’s high on the list when it comes to irritation, nor is it the best behaviour one must endure with the rellies. Maybe it’s the silence. Yes the silence about you batting for the other side. No one mentions it.

Maybe this Party Game will help to explain why – it’s a bit like Trivial Pursuit. All you have to do each day is observe your family, tick a few boxes and decide which side of FAMILY FORTUNES they are on. Let your major focus be on your family of origin, and you may learn something about why you choose the type of GAY FAMILY around you. It may sound a bit OPRAH, but give in to the observations.

Meet the Family FUNCTIONAL : tell us what your components are – Team A.

Your functional family of origin gave you a permanent conviction of belonging. A functional family is the healthy soil out of which individuals can become mature human beings which includes a balance between autonomy and dependency with social, sexual, emotional and soul training at home. It’s a place where high esteem is taught and acknowledged as normal, where expression of feelings is supported and boundaries honoured. Each person, including parents, are given a structure which is safe enough to risk growth and individuation. Each person needs affection and recognition. Each person needs challenge and stimulation to move through each stage of development plus self-actualisation and spiritualisation. Spiritualisation involves the need to love, care for, to seek truth whilst avoiding self obsession.

Through this responsible process we safely experience emotions like FEAR, the energy of discernment, SADNESS, the energy of saying goodbye and completing instead of walking away half finished, GRIEF and sadness to create energy in completing the past and moving on with forgiveness not resentment. GUILT is the energy that forms our conscience, it’s called that because it’s a confidence trick. Functional families honour guilt but see it as con-science. Called the mafia of the mind it has no basis in fact, it’s an illusion that controls and demands pain. SHAME is the energy that lets us know we have a limit, shame can be functional because it’s feeling that we have crossed a boundary, we have made a mistake but can learn from it. JOY is the energy of freedom, our needs are fulfilled and we feel complete in our skin and whole being. It’s a natural high like THE WALTONS.

Now meet the Family DYSFUNCTIONAL : Team B

Each family member always carries the family within themselves. Your birth is your first life experience and emotional role model and your upbringing will linger longer than you think. Both will affect all future adult relationships. A dysfunctional family is riddled with secrets and what go’s on in this house, stays in this house. Codependency is the major outcome of the dysfunctional family set-up with the following defective components :

CONTROL – One must be in control of all interactions, feelings and personal behaviour at all times. This is the survival instinct. Once you control your feelings all spontaneity is lost and control gives each family member a sense of power, predictability and security. Control madness is in everyone. No wonder drugs offer a respite solution.
PERFECTIONISM is about being right in everything you do, it’s exhausting to watch and suggests superior on the outside while inferior on the inside. The need for perfectionism is the fear of rejection and abandonment coupled with approval addiction. Think Hyacinth Bucket. BLAME – rather than take responsibility for themselves dysfunctional family members will continuously blame each other, until anger and voices rise, breeding COMPETITION and RIVALRY. DENIAL is not knowing what YOUR needs are but clear about everyone else’s in the family. Think Antony in Caroline O’Hearn’s ROYLE FAMILY.

EMOTIONAL WITHHOLD figures high on the list of dysfunction. Don’t talk openly about feelings, thoughts, sexuality and fearful experiences. This means abiding by the rule of perfectionism, loyalty and misguided duty. As Eric Idle sang in Python” Always look on the bright side of life ” is the perfect ploy for shutting up about how you really feel. This is a useful distraction from the reality of emotional pain or other scarcities. Avoid upsetting anyone. Dysfunctional family members love a fight, a drama and the battle of separation encouraging INCOMPLETION. The resentment must go on for years because ” it’s FAMILY “. Plus don’t mention the row to anyone else. UNRELIABILITY is the result of dysfunction, never trust anyone and be on 24 hour guard duty for personal attack and when attack occurs REMEMBER IT. Family feuds go on for years until no one can remember what caused it. LACK OF BOUNDARIES completes the jokers pack of the dysfunctional family.

6774111031_b8516d0978_zSo as you munch on a mince pie, check a few things about how you feel about being home. Is alcohol controlling the proceedings? Is kitchen stress evident, with a price to pay? Are you counting the hours or do you wish you came home more often? If you do, plan it while you are at home and communicate what you miss, it’s likely parents or siblings will value that. It’s very easy for gayers to withold the truth about clubbing/drugging/city life and sauna frolics and no one is suggesting you go for full confession but often our families think we don’t care when we remain silent and if they remain silent about your sexuality then it may be because YOU are not mentioning it. Politeness can be a killer.

So as you consider whether your FAMILY is A or B think also about how you have created a gay family of choice. Does it reflect your family home with the same old stuff going on? Then it’s time to review that too. Check out who serves your needs and who takes you for granted. Who reminds you of Dad? Who never rings back? Many of my blogs refer to Family Dysfunction, Codependency and Relationship recovery so if it gets too much go online for a barrage of info over the festive period @ http://www.theswarmite.com

Underground Bookshops, clubs and thinking . . .

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Have you noticed how self help books assume you are heterosexual? Books from Waterstone’s on THE RULES, THE SECRET and Creating Perfect Adult Relationships never seem to ever have case studies or direction other than straight white. It’s how coffee used to be. No gays, no bi-curious, no swingers, no trannies and certainly no fetish. The attraction of London as a living vibrant destination is that sexuality can be observed, checked out and explored without a blink of an eyelid. The sons of Catholic Europe reside here, safe in the knowledge that they won’t bump into the priest, cousin Mary, or mother’s judging eye when it comes to exploring sexuality. Many of the gay bars and meeting places in London are staffed by East Europeans, Latinos and Orientals escaping the torment of sexually acting out in their birth country where it is still a criminal offence or a shame based notion. They have not come here to learn English, they soon realised that the only way to escape suppressed regimes was to learn English BEFORE they arrived. No point in waiting till they got here, for the net has flashed on-screen the freedoms in London, Brighton or Manchester, and the need to communicate in fluent English. Why live in Poland or Serbia and experience rejection when thanks to Easyjet they can find freedom to be themselves and who they want to be in London’s cauldron of possibilities?

When I came out in 1967 my ‘lifestyle’ was called ‘The twilight world of homosexual shame’ by tabloids and was always connected to scandal and secret double lives. Thankfully we have moved on and no longer criminals. The European Union now promotes equality but many LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender & Queer) people do not experience the equality promised in law because religion still dominates most of these European countries. Tired of being the only one in the village, it’s the same for straights interested in non- conformist lifestyles, be it Goth, seriously single or curiously metrosexual, they move on, move out and find their authentic selves. London is not the only anonymous place to explore sexuality but no city in Europe has as much volume, scope, dress code clubs, freedom to act out fetish, dress up or find a sex partner in 10 minutes on the net. London is so vast that people of any sexuality can tap in their post code on a mobile app and be sitting on someone’s sofa at the end of their road before the kettle boils. That’s Grindr for you – which brings me to this week’s theme ‘Look around, look UNDERGROUND…’

Our conscious lives are run by underground subconscious thinking and because of manners, religion and other power based doctrines, sexuality is encased underground too. As self help gurus write about the requirement for relationship, they rarely take into account underground lifestyles and yet underground – with the power of the net – is becoming more mainstream and fetish wear more acceptable. Clubs like HARD ON in London provide activity, entertainment and interaction with like minded beings and yet if participants spoke about these preferences on mainstream personal development trainings I doubt whether the trainers would know how to handle it or offer experienced direction. This is why LGBTQ personal development groups and trainings are vital. Gay male lifestyles and relationship structures are totally different from lesbian couplings – why bunk us in the same bed? Many straight couples enjoy swinging parties, dogging and explore non-conformist sex with the ferocity of gay men on chems, yet rarely do I hear anyone discuss this openly in mainstream workshops and seminars I have attended. Everyone is on best behaviour.

It’s a brave soul that mentions porn on a training course – a hundred eyes will follow you round the room. Last year I led a training weekend on Addictions in a North European Country and a man admitted to the gathering that his great addiction was masturbation. I was amazed by the guys honesty and told him so because in a room of 50 people he was one of only 6 men. Honesty is not always welcome, but he plugged most people in by mentioning the unmentionable. No one hugged him after his share. Throwing yourself into fetish clubs is an exciting way to break boundaries within yourself, your thinking and your parents’ thinking. We all do things our mates know nothing about. However while exploring limits, learn to be clear, avoid people pleasing and say NO when you mean it. GAY’S THE WORD Bookshop near Kings Cross/Russell Square has a vast stock of books on LGBTQ Sexuality and Relationship titles – it’s a good place to read up on fetish and underground ideas.

http://www.facebook.com/gaystheword

A good exercise to focus on over a 10 minute period is to dig underground and reveal to another human being or to your diary or the higher gods if you are spiritually inclined, the exact nature of your sexual desires. Check out the web, your partners’ desires or favourite fetish. It’s good to talk, then shamelessly GO FOR IT.

Don’t treat me like a child

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Spend a few minutes thinking how many times you acted like a child in a relationship, when you couldn’t get your own way. Maybe you still act like a child in a present relationship. Adult childishness occurs in many unconscious forms, getting treated like a child by a know-all partner, making you feel like a dog when they say ” FETCH “, and patting you on the head in a patronising way, is one way. It’s OK to be trained as a pup as a fetish set-up but tiresome to be controlled by a partner to the extent you feel inadequate or trapped. When it comes to acting out control, the reality is that a person who feels victimised often needs a controller, as much as control freaks seeks out other kids to bully. Many still believe that a good relationship consists of finding a babysitter lover or substitute parent which is why protection, safety and security are high on the emotional agenda disguised as ” Love” or” Being in Love “. I know of many gay men who wait to be ‘rescued’, the low esteemers who people please in order to be loved, but when you don’t love yourself it is also difficult to receive love when it comes your way. The core of co-dependency is fear of rejection or abandonment, so it’s no surprise that many internet profile addicts gain love and acceptance from how many messages they receive in the morning before work. Fewer messages means less attention, and while an adult accepts this situation for what it is, a codependent adult in a child’s mind sees it as total rejection of self. The sexual attention we got in our twenties wanes as we age, while the need to be noticed can increase as hair recedes and bellies expand. Such is gay life. Off course we have to thank the Bear Brigade for changing these viewpoints, but not every 45 year old wants to wear a tartan shirt, a beard and go TONKER till 2am.
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 Melody Beattie’s take on the subject is this –
” Codependent’s experience quite a few intense emotions about current events that are not mature adult feelings but stem from other sources. For example, a codependent may easily pick up and carry feelings for others taking on board misguided responsibility. Codependents are also prone to harbour feelings picked up during childhood from parents and to project them onto others in adult life. In addition, codependents can quickly sink into a child ego state when current events trigger a child feeling reality that was not sufficiently dealt with during childhood. When we sink into the child ego state, we feel small, vulnerable, and often defensive. Even in recovery, however, these old feelings will continue to come up to a certain degree. The difference is that when they do come up, you can unload them with a therapist/counsellor or aftercare support or with friends who are mature enough to listen to them. This will prevent you from using these strong feelings from childhood to create intensity within your relationships. “
 
Recovery from codependent patterning means responding to your partner or situation, rather than re-acting  or reacting like a child who can’t get their own way. This reaction seldom works long term in a relationship, because the partners mind and mouth clam up as an act of survival, in much the same way that a mother reacts to a crying child night and day. She switches off until she can’t stand anymore. Constant nagging of a partner just takes them back to childhood, to those previous times of emotional silence when they felt helpless, victimised and controlled. When one partner is in recovery from Love Addiction and the other is not, a re-written script gets acted out when patterns change and reality is faced. Partners often refrain from adhering to the new regime because it means growing up and taking responsibility for themselves, which defeats the object of the exercise in starting the relationship in the first place. This is why it takes courage to change. Just because you may be excited about a new way of thinking, working and expressing yourself, others may not, but the reality is that when WE make a stand of change others are challenged to follow. Without this level of challenge we dig deeper into our own emotional graves – and stay there.
 

Junkie Living & Dying

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Amy dead at 27, the papers have been full of it, but is she any different from a G overdose at Fire or a middle aged gayer on a crack pipe?

It’s easy to sneer at scuzzy street junkies, scuttling off for their next drop while gayers fix themselves up in A&F Muscle Fit, a bump, a line and serial sex. This observation illustrates how we all have a scale of snobbery when it comes to junkie behavior. Someone else is always a benchmark for addiction. If someone is talented like Amy it seems wrong to cuss but if a junkie makes home under a cash machine on the street it’s easy to sound off, look down and snear.

Bears often add to their profiles ‘No druggies’ while they sup 10 pints of Newcastle Brown a night without heeding that alcohol is the oldest known drug. When I was bang at it, junkies were smack-heads, horse dealers, scat boys, skaggies or simply “on the brown”. The lowest of the low after meth drinkers. Now heroin addicts are almost respectable living on benefits, methadone and 6 packs of Special Brew. What a turnaround, well at least it helps the crime figures. Thankfully most gay men don’t go round snatching bags and mainlining in parks but in some quarters gayers at home on the crack pipe is the new hubble bubble of fashion.

Glamorous addiction never lasts, the cheeks soon turn pale. It’s easy to think that gay men just do ‘hands in the air’ club drugs, that they never have to resort to dogs on string, but the reality is that many are out there using to oblivion, nicking to survive, just like a street junkie. Stealing from banks by maxing a credit card and moving on with no forwarding address is no different, the courts would say. We are all junkies on some level but the extra luggage of shame and low esteem that homos bring to the table reflect the present day consumption of goodies that we use to escape fearful feelings, realities of life and viral intervention. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Look where SILENCE has led us – the world of illusions.
The illusion that tight tops and big Muscle Bears are somehow different from the manic street junkie is an epidemic of denial. Whether you score from a phone box or have it delivered by Addison Lee is off no consequence when you use a drug every day. Daily drugs users are not always addicts but they are junkies. Using dry cleaning fluid as a stabilizer is junk. Drug and alcohol dependency is so insidious that no one knows where the magic line is that gets you hooked.
I have seen drug fucks use for 10 years and be able to cut back or cut out within a week while others become addicted to a drug of choice within weeks and can’t stop (and never stop till they OD). Most gayers sit in the middle of social using and heavy using without becoming addicts, but heavy using can still destroy what’s left of your relationships, bank accounts and sanity. Rehabs will tell you that you don’t have to hit bottom with a habit, you can get off at the 2nd Floor, so wise up while you can, the body will only take so much.Think how many times you have gone out without a drink or drug inside you. When was the last time? When did you last have sex without stimulants? ( . . and I’m not talking Viagra). When was the last time you pigged out on comfort food and went on a binge? The propensity for JUNK is everywhere and our lifestyle of no dependents can lead us to junkie thinking of instant gratification, I want, I must have, I WILL have – the illness of self obsession. Tempering our needs and knocking out the wants leads to balanced thinking, balanced lives and less emotional comedowns – which some of you may desire but have no idea about obtaining.
Amy had help thrown at her from all directions but the illness of addiction, blocked her ears. Addiction is not choosy, it hits up the super sexy and the mundane and it’s the illness that tells you you haven’t got it. Recovery starts with ownership, awareness and surrender.
Focus this week on your own junkie behavior, it’s easy to knock someone else’s (especially a partner), try recognizing where you relapse into junkie thinking, acting out and progressive denial. Then consider a game plan for reversal toward more conscious using, for as I’ve said many times before, chems are not the problem, the problem lies in the vessel that consumes them. It’s not what you take, it’s how chems make you feel, and at some point the romance ends and you flat line into oblivion.
Living with a partner with a habit is exhausting, even more so if you join them. They may not die in body but the brain and spirit is gone, taking logic and time with them. It’s easy to think you can help, assist or fix someone, you can’t. Amy is an example of this, for until the junkie shows the white flag the battle sadly continues for all, until death.
Sadly I doubt whether Amy’s death will allow LGBT users to think twice about their own using habits, since using Amy as a benchmark for what ‘real’ addiction is, is a game well played. It’s easy to blame fame as a co-conspirator, or talents beyond management, when the reality is we all believe this stuff happens to other people, not us.

Online Dating Demands

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Just before the year 2000 an American client of mine, early thirties, had moved from darkest Cheshire to London after a relationship had floundered, and since this was his second long distance relationship that had gone tits up, he decided to seek coaching so it wouldn’t happen again. He arrived in London knowing no-one and was eager to find new friends to socialise with. Due perhaps to the American way of doing things, he was already established on-line, and avidly surfed the web to find non-sexual, non-relationship friends to befriend, and went on to tell me that he had found a great site that did just that. All ears, I asked the name and he said ‘gaydar’. I remember it well as he told tales of meetings with organists at Westminster Cathedral, barristers at the Temple and other non-sexual liaisons that brought back confidence to his emotional esteem and body image. Not many people had internet at home then, only in the office, which explained the flurry of small internet cafes that sprung up in Central London but people really didn’t take notice until EasyJet Stelios saw the market prospects and created a chain of vast ‘easyeverything’ internet cathedrals, one of which was in the Strand, one minute from HEAVEN Nightclub in Charing Cross.

So as we celebrated millennium, the holy triangle of modern day cruising was created – gaydar, ‘easyeverything’ & Heaven. Heaven of course was established decades before, but the positioning of ‘easyeverything’ across the road from Europe’s largest gay club, meant that cruising continued on across the road, as gayers wacked up the megabytes. Stories were shared of guys going on gaydar and standing up beside the terminal to check out trade online, who was doing the same at the other end of the room, even though it was still a ‘friends’ site then with conservative profile graphics and pics, quite unlike the sodomistic displays on view today. What with the likes of gayromeo, manhunt etc, gaydar no longer rules the roost, and with grinder hot on it’s heels for instant gratification, I can see why many profiles consist of one sentence and a cockshot. Now all this flies in the perception that gays are creative, innovative and cheerleaders in the fashion stakes. God help us. Give a guy the chance to write his own press release in 70 words and he becomes as silent as a ventriloquists dummy put to bed. Not just that but a lot of cut & paste is going on with meaningless repeat copy, culled off other buff boy profiles. Even worse “ask me” seems to be gay writers block, or dumbing down to chav up the offer of knob action.
Think differently, to stand out from the scrum. I once placed an ad in a personal column that simply said ” Nosey cow seeks a peek in unusual homes. Dinner would be nice. ” Even I was surprised by the response and trust me, I ate well. Just as it’s easy to duplicate a gym look, club look or indie look in order to fit in, it’s even easier to duplicate a profile look. Just copy everyone else. No one ever asks for a total bastard, they always seek someone open and honest when the writer has knocked 10 years off their age and wonder why they get a cheating total bastard. Try to avoid that ‘good conversation, hot times & horny sex’ lineage, it’s a waste of words and means nothing. It only indicates you have nothing to say and expect everything in return. Don’t be afraid to list your defects. Quentin Crisp always said that the most interesting thing about a person is what your friends call ” the trouble with you is . . . and yes admit that you’re not looking for a saint. Deception seems to be the drug of choice on the dating net these days, so if the shag develops into a date then expect to tell the truth faster. London appears to be awash with ‘open’ relationships that seem ‘closed’ when it comes to telling the truth. On your profile avoid a list of “dont’s’. Bears have a habit of insisting on ‘no druggies” while downing 15 pints in The Kings Arms, and yes it’s amusing to write ‘no snobs”, when writing it down is acting out snobbery in reverse and maybe it’s best to forget about sex at all and get back to basics by returning to finding ‘friends’ instead of shags, as occurred on 90’s gaydar. Then you can converse before backdoor entry and learn to ‘date’ and make better choices about who enters your life.
But before you get to that stage you might consider a different profile to attract a different reader, someone who is more interested in your 70 word bio than a pair of tighty whiteys and an iphone flash in a mirror. What you write reflects who you really are and if you can’t be bothered then you are declining those who do bother. Just 70 words could change your life and change your perception of the internet meat rack. I also suggest you log onto chat at different times of the day, if you keep getting messy mishaps at your door, 4am is not the best time to seek a date mate. Publish your real age, not your gaydar age, put up pics with a date on it or under it and don’t be afraid to put forward an unusual request. Someone will love you for it, it’s just a question of waiting when quality comes before quantity.

Holiday Romance

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It’s that time of year for the holiday romance and time to feel the heat. For some it will be the birth of a long distance relationship based on a flurry of excitement, projection and great sex. Meeting the perfect partner on vacation is tempting but speed bumps need to be in place, before emotions override distance and logic. It’s easy to become a human ambulance wherever we live, or travel to, and romance coupled with a desire to rescue, can end in tears all round. Some of us already have experience of rescuing when it comes to relationships, or feeling the pain, plight, guilt and entrapment of others, especially if he’s young, hung and insolvent.

THE RESCUER is a role within the co-dependent model of relationships and is just as likely to occur with gayers as a str8 dad finding a visa bride. It’s in our genes. In the 1950/60’s torrid gay literature often explored the role between an older upper class gentleman rescuing the young working class ruffian into a differing opportune world, resulting in a father/son type union. The son grows into a man, leaves the father, much remorse, tears, tantrums and resentment (… after all I have done for you…etc ), resulting in the lonely twilight world of homosexual life that novels and tabloids loved to portray at that time before decriminalisation. Nowadays twilight has been replaced with highlighted hedonism as credit cards are spunked for survival, and older gays are no longer dependent on attracting youth. But the holiday romance in third world economics can turn the head for all the wrong reasons. Straight guys think they are seeking a loving lifetime relationship (after a week of scanning profiles) when in reality they seek regular sex with someone beneath them in economic scarcity, to control, demand and rescue. Modern 21st Century gayers can play the same rescue role at any age on the internet except this time it’s not about the class system on the printed page. It’s about wealth and like straight guys the power of the wallet reigns, exploitation in the guise of love, a credit card plane ticket for the new beau in an instant.

I’m sure you have known of guys on Gaydar in London who have flown to Brazil a week later to “fall in love”, then manipulate every angle to bring the lover home, all within a month. But you don’t need a holiday romance to be the rescuer, plenty of relationships back home start because one has less than the other, less friends, less money, less confidence. Finding a stray dog with no friends to possess or someone with chem habits that need fixing are par for the course for the codependent of any sexuality. Paying your partners credit card bills as an act of love and devotion only enables your partner to be rescued yet again, rarely breeding personal responsibility for themselves. Clients and friends often bemoan that “they have been ripped off” when THEY handed their pin number to their significant other in the hour of need. At the time it was a good feeling to be of value, to help, assist and nurture, later developing into resentment when the investment failed to pay off and the relationship ends. Helping someone out is not rescue or a human ambulance but we all know someone who makes a people-pleasing career of it in order to be liked and loved. If you can’t afford to lose it don’t give it. Helping a lover out is a good thing, but not adding boundaries or payment review is not. Love needs to be practical when it comes to money.
Nurturing a holiday romance in order for it to continue has great value but you need to give time, time, and be realistic. Starting a long distance relationship needs equality and responsibility on both sides. Bringing a lover to the UK or flying off on a whim sounds romantic but it doesn’t mean it’s realistic. I know couples who met this way and have created good solid union through facing realism and shared responsibility, though a holiday romance often remains simply that, a chance to let our fences down, to flirt, to live in a dream space. Remember how many clothes you bought in the sun that look faintly ridiculous on the grey streets of London? Draw your own conclusions. 
Some things are just meant to be temporary.

Gay Pokies

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Do gayers get excited about pokies? You might think it’s just a Facebook thing, a sexual flirt, when in fact pokie addiction is destroying lives worldwide.

In Australia & New Zealand the problem is out of control and in Northern Europe countries like Estonia have more casinos than theatres and cinemas. The old one arm bandit has progressed to buttons but the endgame is the same, the longer you play a pokie, the more likely you are to lose all the money you put in the machine. Now we all know someone who can’t handle their booze, their G or Tina but how many GAY GAMBLERS do you know?

When you look at the gay lifestyle some may say we gamble every day with unsafe sex, drugs, pick-ups and the threat of homophobic abuse. But it’s true that admittance of self-fisting has more merit than owning up to debt caused by games of chance, such is the shame around gambling your life away. When I finally gave up booze and drugs (before they gave me up I might add), I thought I drank heavily because I was gay only to discover that I drank alcoholically not homosexually. My sexuality lifestyle encouraged an addiction but was not the cause of it. A gay alcoholic is the same as a straight one and the same rings true for gamblers. I had mentioned in a previous blog elsewhere on Internet Addiction: “Think chinese plate spinning, think tight concentration, think edging. Much like the addictive gambler who sits at the table for hours, lost in the spell of playing the game, net users can spend long periods of time in a trance like state…”

This trance like state is part of gaydar attraction, fixated on what’s gonna come up rather than what’s sitting on your plate, chinese or otherwise. Notice how high street gambling spots now look like social meeting places, we have 3 in a short stretch of Camden High Street with rows of pokies plus refreshments. You are likely to easily spot an alkie down Camden High Street but can you spot a gambler? They remain more closeted than closets. How many gay men do you know who enter the doors of William Hill for leisure? The law of average suggests they do. How would you know if your flatmate, partner or friend is a compulsive gambler since secretive behaviour is part of the deal? Gambling, like using, can be recreational but when when you start to lose more than money it may be time to get real. Like other escape routes, gambling doesn’t start as a problem, some use it to avoid feelings of depression or see it as a pleasant way of escaping life’s responsibilities. Others see it as a stimulator, a mode of excitement much like a drug high. Eventually it becomes the norm and because the addictive personality demands so much more, it’s automatic to play harder with higher stakes, no different from the average clubbers weekend cocktail of substances, highs, lows and justifications. Same meat, different gravy.

It’s easy to think that this blog doesn’t apply to you but look further. You don’t have to roll a dice to deceive. Switching credit cards, robbing peter to pay paul, cheating, lying and focusing on the future and not the present moment are all components of active addiction. Most of us have no idea what we owe, we just avoid the issue of payback time. Debt is the new bareback. Another gamble.

When you think about it, gayers are more inclined to be self sufficient, we don’t hunt in gangs like straight lads for sex, we are prone to secretive sexual antics (things we would NEVER discuss with our mates), are best placed in careers where we act alone, risk chem abuse more often and act quickly on sexual impulse. Older gay men are becoming reliant on the web rather than risk face to face in a bar. On-line sex and the need for instant gratification are seedbed practices for online gaming – real poker instead of pokies. It is the fastest growing addiction and you can see why, you don’t have to look your best for starters and with a couple of grams for companionship and a fist full of cards, your dreams can come true. Except no one knows about it. Especially when you can’t remember what you spent. It’s a bit like signing up for a porn site off yer face and 6 months later you still can’t understand why this monthly figure from nowhere keeps appearing.

Gambling alone is one thing but gambling within a relationship is the biggie. We all read the stories of the husband who has gambled away the house without the wife knowing. There must be a gay version. Not everyone who gambles is compulsive, not everyone who uses is an addict but it is clear that gayers are spending more pro rata web time than straights and this will increase as habits develop. Getting your own house in order with regular review is as wise as gym work. Great tits, shame about the court judgements does not make a great T shirt nor will it impress your new lover, unless he is a babysitting, parenting, fixing, rescuing codependent. And there are plenty of those around.

Empowerment

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In the ’80’s Empowerment was bigger than big hair, and our Joanie as Alexis Carrington led the way. Big hair, big power shoulders and big drama on Dynasty had us hooked and at the same time our m8s were going down like flies to AIDS so the buzz word was EMPOWERMENT. At this time I was undergoing my own drama’s – recovering from active addiction, personal bankruptcy, cirrhosis of the liver plus living and dying with chronic active Hepatitis B Virus that had no cure. This is how I came to empower myself.

Every AIDS movie had to have 2 props, one was a token screaming queen and the other a copy of Louise L. Hay’s YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE on the bedside cabinet. If you don’t believe me watch Philadelphia, the 1993 Tom Hanks movie.

When the book was published in 1984 she began creating and leading support groups for people living with HIV/ AIDS – she called these ” Hay Rides ” – for around 300 gay men who were told they were about to die. I got sent the book in 1984 from a friend in San Diego along with an AIDS tape with a guided meditation which I used every night for 3 years. By 1990 I hit the big 50 mark of people I knew who had died of AIDS, many gay recovering addicts and alcoholics with immune systems too weak to withstand longevity, then I stopped counting cases and going to funerals. Between 1994 -96 I worked with people who had a CD4 count under 10 and many in single figures. I assisted those dying in completing this lifetime but many are still alive today with combos, but combos are not empowering unless you HEAL YOUR LIFE alongside it – habits will return unless observed with intent for change.

During the 80’s you only had therapy if you had AIDS or experienced breakdown. Now we talk more about harm reduction rather than waiting to crash and burn. Therapy is now the stuff of glossy mags and pub talk but many still see therapy as fashionable nonsense rather than EMPOWERMENT. Look at Alexis – she powered herself on the outside – Big Shoulders, Big Eyes, Big Ambitions. Well it may get you noticed but it won’t get you sane. The birth of Muscle Marys came out of AIDS when young men became skin and bone before our eyes so we began to bulk up & beef up, but Empowerment comes from having the courage to look inside and not being concerned with the wrapping. Aussiebums never healed ANY life to my knowledge, but therapy has saved millions to balanced thinking & living.

Although parts of the book may feel too New Age and dated now, you cant deny that it has sold 35 million copies in over 30 languages and is still on the New York Times Best Seller List 25 years later. Louise wrote about Empowerment as a natural act and rather surprised that people hadn’t cottoned on to this simplicity – that thoughts are creative. If your mind or lifestyle is crammed and speedy look upon therapy of any kind, including bodywork, as a speed-bump that slows you down to a code of observation. Only by observation can you empower yourself or to put it another way – you can’t get well until you realise how sick you are.

You may ask yourself whether you are a grab-it-all like Alexis powering through with rancidity, swinging those big shoulders to the left and right barging through. Perhaps you have chosen to sound like this but the power is all show because when it comes to saying NO to someone, you always say YES to keep the peace. Maybe you think you are empowered being in a VIP area or on a guest list. You may also may want to check the fuel you use to power the engine.

This weeks REHAB exercise is to ask friends how they see you. Quentin Crisp always said that the most interesting thing about a person starts with ” the trouble with you is . . . So don’t ask your friends how good you are, cut to the chase and ask ” so what’s the trouble with me . . .?  Learning not to take criticism personally and taking it on the chin as constructive feedback is real empowerment. So take a breath, listen & learn.

More Queer Ageing . . .

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In her book “How to Grow Old Disgracefully”, the actress Hermione Gingold remarked: “There’s nothing so ageing as the past – especially when it catches up with you. I like to live in the present”. How gay was Hermione? Well for starters her sister Angela Baddeley played iconic Mrs Bridges in the 70’s TV drama Upstairs Downstairs (? ask yer mum), Hermoine sang Sondheim on Broadway in A Little Night Music and if that wasn’t camp enough, she also found herself a lover when she was age 84. He was 21.

She called him Little Big Boy and said it was the best relationship in all her life. She continued, “He moved into my apartment and we lived together for five happy years, which was longer than I lived with either of my husbands. In many ways, we were perfectly suited. In spite of the age difference, we enjoyed the same things, he was independently wealthy, and we made each other laugh. We had a marvelous sex life too. Although I must confess that after I turned 85, I found sex wasn’t as important to me as it had been when I was 80″. She wrote, “This confession surprises even me, because up till then, I had always been a sex maniac”. Gay man trapped in a female body?

LIVING IN THE PRESENT is the key to harmonious living, at any age, and a perfect antidote to fear based projection. Plan ahead but don’t live in it. Because what you focus on expands, it’s best if you focus only on the footwork, not the destination. In my view; goals trainings, resolutions are only visions if you are not interested in the journey and it’s the journey that provides the lessons, intrigue and growth. I found that my own solution to ageing resided with where I had come from, and where I was going and in order to look at one I needed to discover the other. Approaching 50 I began to travel extensively and found that I had nothing in common with the hetero ” Young At Heart ” Saga type packages overflowing with couples who didn’t speak to each other, other than when they were flashing pics of grandchildren before my eyes. I thought at the time – is that all they live for? So once again in my life I didn’t fit in, but then again this is my key to ageing – don’t fit in to ageist philosophy.

There is a validated heterosexual vision of growing older, although this is changing rapidly with divorce figures between 50 & 60 the highest in any age band. Gayers have an open field with hardly any child dependent responsibilities but no clear vision of what the alternative is, we are experimenting, not quite as boldly as Hermoine did but quite close. So in order to look forward, I looked back to gay history for the answer. I picked up Rictor Norton’s Mother Clapps Molly House in ‘93 at a time of chronic homophobia, a long term Conservative government still hell bent on Clause 28 and no solution for AIDS. No one thought we would reach old age but here we are living la vida loca.

By connecting to the past, the present became validated including political struggle and it’s solutions. My story will become someone else’s intrigue. In order to eradicate the fear of ageing I needed to connect with older gayers and their own personal history plus examining at close hand what being older meant. A few streets away from where I live is a senior gay of 84 and unlike Hermoine he has SEVERAL lovers, and all without using the internet, cruising grounds or cottages. He is like a man magnet. He has a vitality and sprint in his step that knocks out the vision of faded gayers living alone with the gas fire on. He is my hero. He knocks on my door sometimes with a bag of porn DVDs or VHS Tapes in case “I could use them” LOL.

I suggest that you find a gay dad/grandad to nurture, learn from, and eradicate the fear of ageing. When I have delivered lectures on Gay Ageing to Seniors I always say “drop the notion of sex with young guys within this context”. There are plenty of sites for young/mature, for those that seek it, sometimes we are our own worst enemy when it comes to uninvited attention – the old queen touch-up. With the rise of Daddies on-scene in Barcode or XXL, a valuable resource lies untapped in your own neighbourhood. Find out like I did about Gay History and where you play your role in it.

Last year upstairs at The Horse & Groom, Shoreditch I was invited by djhistory.com to contribute (as Marmite Madge) to a discussion panel on Gay Clubland 1960’s – 1980’s with Gareth Marshall, Patrick Lilley & Steve Swindells, compered by Bill Brewster. The room was jam packed with a majority of under 30 indie twinks transfixed by our memories for an hour and a quarter with hardly anyone moving to the bar. The olds were in command.

So there you have it, we are not all pissing ourselves waiting for meals on wheels, some of us are still connected to the creative energy of clubland, fashion and diversity. Can you imagine getting old? Well, find a role model and realise that one day the young will be asking you “at what age do you stop having sex?”. Print this out and hand it to them or better than that – share your own experience – I promise you there is a waiting hunger.

http://www.djhistory.com/

Queer Ageing

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Back in the days of ’50/60’s homo criminalisation they used to sing ” Nobody loves a Fairy when she’s Forty ” but now the internet is awash with Daddies, Bears and Spanking GrandDads – thankfully nobody needs to look like Cher anymore to still be in the game.

A report came out in 2010 about the upward trend of older users of recreational drugs suggesting on evidence that people over fifty just ain’t gonna give it up for health concerns or abstain which is why the government stance on harm reduction is one of last resort. We also know that many gayers well over 40 sit at home on Gaydar with tina or chemical friends for companion. One wonders when Addison Lee will get a STONEWALL Award for services to the community, delivering all that gear, but the majority of older gayers just wanna have fun or the fun to continue sanely.

However, myths and negative stereotypes concerning older gayers still exist but the old chestnut of being depressed, isolated, desperate, sexless and predatory is fading fast. We have the internet to thank for that. Most research confirms that growing older as gay or str8 is not much different, embracing or ignoring life changes, but noting that any person who hasn’t adjusted well to other aspects of life won’t adjust well to ageing either. I think that by nature of the beast, gayers are better prepared for ageing having lived independently, are in the habit of socialising with many more different strands of society and are not dependent on grandchildren in later years to provide distraction from retirement. Being lonely in old age was always the fear thrust upon us by society when in reality it is older str8s that now realise that access to grandchildren are not a given anymore, with family break-ups, divorce and low marriage statistics in the mix.

In 1978 Bell & Weinberg ( Homosexualities : A Study of Diversity Among Men and Women ) found that lesbians and gay men were more likely to have a network of close friends than heterosexuals. They postulate that heterosexuals are more likely to be involved in family interactions as opposed to outside friendships. Integration into a homosexual community is an important factor in the adaptation of older male homosexuals, as the community of friendships is important to the gay and lesbian throughout the lifespan, it continues, they are not dependent on family for their emotional support and needs. This is important for several reasons. First, gays and lesbians are much less likely to experience an ” empty nest syndrome” as support already comes from outside the home. Second, the community affords older gays and lesbians the opportunity to meet new people and socialise. As the homosexual community is usually noted for its diversity, older individuals have the opportunity to socialise with a wide range of individuals, young and old. In addition, work relations usually do not make up the majority of personal contacts outside the home, thus, upon retirement, the network of friends remains relatively unchanged. The establishment of friendship networks appears to make the ageing process EASIER for gays and lesbians”.

Now if this was the conclusion in 1978, before Gay Pride, before the reduction in Age of Consent, before the Internet and before Elton came out, post marriage as a gayer, then we are streets ahead in senior age management in the new century. Civil Partnership will not have much effect on ageing, except that men no longer need to stay in a dysfunctional relationship to avoid loneliness in later years. The rush in the first year of being able to ” marry ” was mostly existing long term relationships in mature years already. Thankfully, couples will chose to marry for reasons, other than fear of ageing. Middle age gayers now have other options, not so widely available in 1978, worshiping the post-clubbing Gay Holy Trinity – Travel, Therapy & Interior Design to fill those autumn years.

When AIDS took the Daddies away in the 80’s/90’s, an emotional wound remained until time took it’s course after combo’s in 1996. Rarely then did young gay men freely admit they fancied Dads, hairy bodies or leadership in direction, yet it was obvious that once the fad for smooth bods lessened and gay men shopped around a bit on fetish sites or XTube, older suddenly became wiser. Now the rise of big muscle bears, silverdaddies.com and even mature escorts prove that the hunger for wisdom is being satisfied. Not all guys want a hot bod, many just want to be held in silence by older hands. But it is our minds and thought patterns that remain the biggest enemy, when projecting fear with procrastination on greying hair, if any remains of course. On asking a client whether he had many older friends he replied ” I don’t know anyone gay over 35 because I don’t sleep with anyone over 35 “.

So there you have it, and I doubt whether he is the only one.